I think fighting my impulses and learning to better deal with my emotions is probably an area I need to work on. In my previous post, I wrote that I was tempted to overdose. Well…ufortunately I did. 200mg of escitalopram.
Other times it may have been about seeking attention and wanting care and concern, but that was not the reason this time. It was about feeling hurt. It was about being terrified of the future, with the fear that Dr T is right about me not having the capabilities to study and be an OT. It was about feeling misunderstood and like I’m being given up upon. It was about fearing losing my sources of support, even if they’re not that great in the first place. Not knowing what to do about these emotions, cutting not being enough, the next most obvious step to me was to overdose. Just to feel like I’m doing something, just to know that I was hurting myself without really doing massive amounts of harm.
A couple of hours post overdose, I woke up, felt nauseous, and promptly threw up down the side of my bed. It’s good to know my body will reject ten 20mg escitalopram tablets, yet will not regurgitate back up sixteen 500mg paracetamol tablets.
Due to my not wanting to appear attention seeking, as this was not my aim, no action was taken to seek help or let other people know. No tweets about it, no messages to others, no calling the Poisons Info Line, no visiting a GP or the Emergency Department and no blog posts up until now.
It’s now been at least 36 hours since this incident and I’m finey-fine, SSRI overdose is very rarely fatal, no medical attention needed.
Third overdose in a year…is that a lot? In the past I would’ve said yes, but now I’m getting quite accustomed to this being just another way of self harming.