I hate bloody useless shit ‘professionals’

‘Oh fuck. Fuckfuckfuck what have I done?’ is going through my head right now.

Admitted to Dr T, my psychiatrist, that I have not been taking my medication. Part of the reason I came off them is because ‘recovery’ and ‘wellness’ scares me. I’ve felt like this for so long it’s become comfortable and familiar, no matter how awful it is. I even admitted as much to Dr T, much to my now regret and mortification. Part of it is also I am afraid of losing the minimal support I do have, although I didn’t admit that to her so at least I was able to save *some* face. What I forgot to consider was that if I came off medication I wouldn’t need a psychiatrist, and would therefore lose a source of support anyway. Duh. Shit. Upon telling her I was afraid of getting better, she responded by saying that it is perhaps because if I then get better and fail Uni again, I can’t blame it on depression. Perhaps it is simply that I don’t want to hear the truth, but I was less than pleased at her theory.

“I do see a few patients for just therapy who don’t take medication…but not many,” she said.

Even admitted to her that I’ve been thinking of overdosing because I’m so afraid of things going downhill, especially with starting Uni again next year, I fear failing again. Almost shed tears in the process too. But of course she neither cares nor takes me seriously- no one ever does.

She also told me that I need to think about my therapy with G, my psychologist. I told her I have, and considering there’s been a month between appointments and we *still* finish early with nothing to talk about, I’m not sure therapy is going well and I don’t really feel like I can talk to G. “Fair enough,” Dr T responded. Which means what exactly?!

I reported that I have been accepted into the Occupational Therapy course- she fully expects me to struggle through it. She was ‘just being honest with you [me],’ she says.

I next see her early January to ‘make some decisions regarding my treatment.’ What that means, I’d have no bloody clue.

So she didn’t explicitly state this, but I have taken it to mean that she is not going to see me as a patient anymore.

I’m now freaking out. Can’t. Fucking. Deal. With. ‘Professionals’. Letting. Me. Down. Over. And. Over. Again.

It’s ironic really, the first time I met with her I absolutely hated her and would have liked nothing better to have never seen her again. Over time, I got used to her and her ways, and what she said did start making a bit of sense. Due to recent circumstances, I am now back to absolutely loathing her.

Undoubtedly I have brought this all on myself, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel rejected, let down and like I’ve been given up on. Again.

Whatever happens next appointment, I am determined to keep my feelings and expressions absolutely neutral. No crying, no almost-crying again either. I will leave with some dignity at least.

Bloody useless ‘professionals’ who do more harm than good.

Maybe my ‘decision regarding treatment’ should be that I no longer want to see her, nor G, I just want to be left alone instead of being made worse by stupid psychiatric and/or psychological help.

Currently fighting the temptation to overdose. It just hurts too much, no one wants to help me, no one knows how to help me, nothing helps, and I’m just so through with it all.

6 thoughts on “I hate bloody useless shit ‘professionals’

  1. I often have the same feeling about recovery… I’m scared because I don’t know what it is like…or i don’t remember what it is like to be not either depressed or manic…I always found in a really fucked up way depression was comforting… i know it, i know what it wants, its course.

    bah

    anyways lovely, I’m sorry you are having a shit time with the “professionals” And that you been made to feel so bad *hugs* Please be careful and take yourself or get someone to take you to the ED if you really do feel you will overdose.

    But YAY about the occupational therapy course. I think occ. therapy is so cool. This is heavily influenced by my occ. therapist when I was in hospital. She was amazing and if you go on that course I’m sure you’ll be just as amazing.

  2. {{{hugs}}} I’m sorry for the way your appointment went – doesn’t sound like she was particularly interested. I hope that you don’t call it quits on trying to help yourself/recovery, they might not give I damn, but I do and depending how you’re feeling you might not now, but you can do in the future.

    Is it possible that in some way she was hurt because you’d come off meds she prescribed and aren’t getting on with the psychologist she recommended – I know their feelings shouldn’t come into it, but often they do – that’s why self-harmers get such a bad time, the professionals can’t handle their anxieties… Just a thought and doesn’t really excuse her leaving you feeling like this.

    Fully relate to recovery being damn scary – the great unknown. Sometimes I too feel it would be safer and more “comfortable” (probably not the best word), to give up on that idea – saves me failing at it, or failing at life despite it, or just plain having to learn the rules of “normal” society….

    Take care,
    Differently

  3. (((((hugs))))) It is terrible to feel misunderstood and that you have no one you can rely on. Is there a possibility of seeing someone else for therapy other than the current psychologist?

    And you’re not alone with feeling scared of being ‘well’. It’s hard to imagine ‘well’ let alone actually live it. Vicious cycle it is.

    Maybe you just need someone who is a better therapeutic fit for you. Someone who gets you/understands you better than your current psychiatrist/psychologist. Are there other options/areas you can look at for help?

  4. SO many people are scared to get better, any psychiatrist worth their degree would tell you that and reassure you and there is NOTHING to say you need to take antidepressants to get better from depression, they have evidently not worked for you anyway else you wouldn’t be ODing or stopping taking them
    you need psychiatric help, yes, but not from these people, they’re not working for you and you need someone else – I KNOW the system in australia is atrocious but please, if it takes you a week straight of research, try and find SOMETHING else you can attend or some way of getting another therapist (one who will see you more frequently cos once a month is just stupid, noone can make progress like that), if you have to, look into mercy ministries or research programmes that offer free treatment cos youve been struggling too long and someone needs to help you
    finally, I cant actually believe a mental health professional told you you’d struggle with the OT course, I can’t believe they’d tell you you’d struggle with anything…you need to believe in yourself or else you will struggle, you’re a strong girl and you can do whatever you put your mind to, if you commit to this course and believe in yourself you will acheive it. I would imagine it’s going to be easier than pharmacy anyway and this time it’s a course you want to do rather than feel your parents would approve of which will help your motivation
    love ❤
    Becca

  5. well in my case they never do anything before i do anything then you get the afterwoods oding on what ever i can get my hands on and i mean anything that is even remotly dagerous in house good job im not like that now

  6. Pingback: This Week in Mentalists – The Britain’s Come to a Standstill Because of the Snow Edition! « Mental Nurse

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