Hating myself

I feel as though I am trapped in a cycle of self hate and self loathing. I don’t know how to describe it, there are no words to describe it. I don’t know how to make others see what an awful, horrible person I am and how much I detest myself. I want to make myself hurt, I want to hack away at my skin, because it’s  no less than what I deserve.

I purposely screw things up for myself to give me reason to hate myself, the fact that I screwed up further fuels the self hate, and the cycle continues. Failing University this year is just one example.

I feel as though I keep myself stuck in my mental health issues so that I may have a chance at getting care and concern from people. I fear that if I get better, I will lose the minimal support that I do have, which is part of the reason I took myself off my antidepressants again. What kind of a pathetic person does that? What kind of a pathetic person needs to be sick to feel as though she’s cared about?

I have imagined telling my psychologist and psychiatrist that I don’t want to see them anymore. This could work both ways. If they try to convince me it’s not a good idea, it will say to me that they do care enough to want to help, but I would then feel terribly manipulative, and therefore hate myself even more. If they agree, it will prove that nobody wants to help, nobody wants to bother with me and give me further reason to say that treatment doesn’t work so it would be better if I killed myself.

I’ve been tempted to overdose, not to kill myself, but enough so that I end up in hospital again and I may be taken seriously this time. But what kind of an attention seeking, manipulative, pathetic idiot does that? Not like our Emergency Departments are crowded enough already.

I could never tell anyone this though. As much as I hate myself, I’m so very afraid of others hating me too. I fear that if I ever voiced all this aloud, I would be hated and get the very thing I’m trying to avoid- people viewing me as a stupid attention seeker, not wanting to help me, getting disgusted and leaving me… So all this is left to fester, and I’m just left continuing to wallow in self loathing and disgust for myself.

I hate the person I am. I hate that I’m so desperate for people’s support and care. I hate that my thoughts tend towards self destruction and self sabotage. I hate that I am just such a shit person.

I am so sick of the way my stupid brain works.

9 thoughts on “Hating myself

  1. Hey,
    I just wanted to say how much you may be ashamed that you want to overdose just to be taken seriously, rather then to die, but your not the only person who feels that way. I have been tempted by the same thought. I can’t help thinking it’s how I would be taken seriously, by anyone. Stay strong lovely 🙂 I know you can do it – you are not alone 🙂 ❤

  2. i think lots of people feel like that. Heck, i know for a fact that ive ended up in A&E with self harm wounds partly beacuse i have just desperately needed to talk with somebody. Theres not really any shame in that; more a need to think about ways of communicating-which i have to say, i suck at. theres also no shame in th fact that you both need and want people to take you seriously. It is frustrating ehen you feel like you are fighting for help-that you seem to be getting nowhere, or just around in endless circles. The trouble with mental illness, opposed to physocal illness is that to feel accepted, you almost seem to need to feel validated in being ill. and thats due to wonly perceptions by society, and nothing you have done yourself. You know that you could go to A&E without overdosing and tell them you feel like this? its not manipulative, its empowering yourself to know when you could do with some help to keep things in a level. theres nothing manipulative in needing help for feeling depressed, or for urges to self harm. not in the slightest chick.

    take care of yourself
    vics

  3. I am really sorry you’re feeling so bad. Have you thought about contacting your psychologist or psychiatrist and telling them how bad you are feeling, and how much you are struggling, and how you feel like you need more help? I know it is a really hard thing to do, but it is a better option than overdosing to try and get help. When you say maybe you would be taken seriously this time – do you know what it is that you would ideally like? Is it more contact with the professionals you see, or do you want to be admitted, or is it something else? And do you know what it is about what you would want that is appealing, or you feel you need? Maybe if you can work that out then you can work out a safer way of getting that. xxx

  4. Wow. The words you have typed seemed to have leaked from my brain. I have never even admitted to anyone (bloggers or otherwise) that I have these exact same feelings. They scare me that I rely on other people’s actions and care towards me. I think about this every night before I go to sleep. It puts me at ease to think about sending myself to the ER and someone taking notice of my pain…

  5. I’m a new reader to the blog, but much of what you have written in that post I felt I could relate to. I would say what you experiencing is typical to what most people really feel when they are ill especially about the wanting someone to care for us – that to me is deemed as natural behaviour.

    Before I started my Access Course in Nursing an SHO (Junior Psych Doctor) who knew very little about me told me she thought I was wanting to go into Mental Health Nursing so I could be nearer to people who care, she probed me by telling me that most of my life I had cared for my mum but asked who took care of me. I shrugged off what she was telling me and told her she was wrong… but deep down I knew what she had said was spot on to how I was feeling. I attempted to make it into Nursing, but dropped out of my place at uni just a few days before I started because I knew I was going into it for the wrong reason. However I do voluntary work up at the hospital a few times a week and work closely with staff in Mental Health, I love my job but part of me still considers I work in Mental Health for the wrong reasons, and I do it to be near people who will care about me. That is officially the first time I have admitted that, maybe it should be a blog post of its own.

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