I feel as though I am trapped in a cycle of self hate and self loathing. I don’t know how to describe it, there are no words to describe it. I don’t know how to make others see what an awful, horrible person I am and how much I detest myself. I want to make myself hurt, I want to hack away at my skin, because it’s no less than what I deserve.
I purposely screw things up for myself to give me reason to hate myself, the fact that I screwed up further fuels the self hate, and the cycle continues. Failing University this year is just one example.
I feel as though I keep myself stuck in my mental health issues so that I may have a chance at getting care and concern from people. I fear that if I get better, I will lose the minimal support that I do have, which is part of the reason I took myself off my antidepressants again. What kind of a pathetic person does that? What kind of a pathetic person needs to be sick to feel as though she’s cared about?
I have imagined telling my psychologist and psychiatrist that I don’t want to see them anymore. This could work both ways. If they try to convince me it’s not a good idea, it will say to me that they do care enough to want to help, but I would then feel terribly manipulative, and therefore hate myself even more. If they agree, it will prove that nobody wants to help, nobody wants to bother with me and give me further reason to say that treatment doesn’t work so it would be better if I killed myself.
I’ve been tempted to overdose, not to kill myself, but enough so that I end up in hospital again and I may be taken seriously this time. But what kind of an attention seeking, manipulative, pathetic idiot does that? Not like our Emergency Departments are crowded enough already.
I could never tell anyone this though. As much as I hate myself, I’m so very afraid of others hating me too. I fear that if I ever voiced all this aloud, I would be hated and get the very thing I’m trying to avoid- people viewing me as a stupid attention seeker, not wanting to help me, getting disgusted and leaving me… So all this is left to fester, and I’m just left continuing to wallow in self loathing and disgust for myself.
I hate the person I am. I hate that I’m so desperate for people’s support and care. I hate that my thoughts tend towards self destruction and self sabotage. I hate that I am just such a shit person.
I am so sick of the way my stupid brain works.