How to survive?

How do you tell a mother that you want to die, when she brought you into this world and for eighteen years, has brought you up and looked after you?

How do you tell a friend that you want to die, when you barely even keep in contact with them anymore, and they only ever see the side of you who chats and smiles?

How do you tell your psychologist that you want to die, when you feel as though you have no connection with her, and you’ve been thrown in the deep end, under the belief that you’re fine?

How do you tell a person on the other end of a helpline that you want to die, when they couldn’t possibly understand how you’re feeling, because they’re essentially a stranger, who doesn’t know the slightest detail of you, except perhaps your name?

The answer? You don’t.

You either carry out the deed, whereby people will find out the hard way.

Or you just bury the thoughts of wanting to die and hope for the strength to survive another day.

8 thoughts on “How to survive?

  1. I really understand this, as I just got out of hospital for feeling just that way. I don’t think there is any one answer to this, you have to either tell someone or let it erode at your feelings until one day it gets to much and you do try and seriously harm yourself. I know it’s hard to tell people, but speaking about these things helps and even if it doesn’t help right away, one would hope that it would eventually. I know that you struggle to speak about this after reading previous posts, but if you don’t let it out, it will explode one day. Please try and get it out somehow, that is not harmful to yourself. I have seen what suicide does to my family when my husband’s cousin did it. It destroys those people that you love and you can’t hold these feelings in forever. I hope that one day you do get the strength to let it out, because I really think you would be surprised how supportive people can be, when they really know that we’re in pain. Be safe!

  2. I agree with Sarah, you need to let it out somehow. In the past, when I was feeling suicidal, I would just tell my girlfriend. She would comfort me in the way that she knew how, but she’d always remind me that she can’t be the only one to hold those feelings. At the time I really didn’t feel like I connected much with my therapist. I wasn’t lying to him about my problems, but I wouldn’t tell him the exact extent of my feelings. One day I just went in and told him exactly how I was feeling and that I was feeling suicidal. Being an intern, he freaked out and lectured me about the need to inform him every time I’m having those feelings, big or small. I think a more practiced therapist can intuitively tell the difference between just mild suicidal thoughts to more extreme thoughts to making plans, etc. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that once I started opening up to my therapist–fully opening up–we started connecting more. I know you’ve been having problems with connecting, and if you’re stuck maybe you should think about talking to your therapist about that and even trying to find a new one.

    That being said, I don’t think the answer is to tell everyone, just a select few who will understand and give you the support that you need. At the very least, you can open up on here–that will at least give you some emotional release.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling down. I hope you’re day gets better! 🙂

  3. I can relate to everything you said in this post. I don’t know the answer to the questions– I wish I did. The only thing I can offer you is my support. Seriously, I care, and if you need anything please contact me.

    Wishing you well,

  4. hey i know the feeling of not being able to tell anyone all i can say is. just say it. write your feelings down and either give it to a person or read it out. and make sure that person is listening and will act in the right kind of way. do can say something. loves xx

  5. The only thing I know, is to tell someone. And when they don’t understand, kick* and yell at them. Then you’ll feel better it’s out, and they’ll get a look into your struggles.

    Substitute *swear* for kick if it is P-doc or psychologist/therapist.

  6. I can relate to this. People are scared to come to my door incase they are the one who finds me. I tell my support i have ordered more tablets to overdose on and if my support is due in i tell them not to come. I had once incident where a support worker found me and the place was in such a mess. I was unconcious and had cut myself really bad so the flat was covered in blood. The poor girl got such a fright.

  7. The way you are feeling is so complicated. I know when i felt that way just the force of the feelings prevented me from saying anything to anyone. I’m fine became my favourite sentence. I didn’t want to let anyone down though the subsequent events did lead me to let everyone down. I felt that noone would ever understand me or could help me, i wasn’t worth it. It took a serious attempt for me to finally realise that i did need to be more open. Did it help, yes, i finally got some real help and it would seem some understanding. It’s so hard not to be judgemental about yourself and gauge how others may react to you, but sometimes the risk is worth taking and remaining silent just leads to more distress.Try to find someone to talk to, you write your words beautifully on your blog, maybe writing it down would be a way forward.
    Hugs xx

  8. I have no advice or wisdom to offer … but didn’t want to leave without saying hi, inadequate as that may be… hoping that a ray of sunshine somehow breaks through for you… *gentle hugs*

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