I had an appointment with my psychologist today, the first time in a month. The session finished about twenty minutes earlier than usual. Why? We just ran out of topics, the conversation came to a standstill. A month between today’s session and last, and we couldn’t even fill that allocated fifty minute timeslot. I think that says a lot about the connection between G and I. Or lack of.
Today was the sixth session with her. In those six sessions, it feels like I’ve made no progress and am getting nowhere. She’s nice and all, but it’s just not working. I mean, finishing twenty minutes early, when we haven’t caught up in a month? Seriously? And even in that thirty minutes we did spend together, not much was achieved. I updated her on what has been going on in my life recently, and that’s about it.
It may be understandable my appointment finishing early had things been going well and as a result, there’s nothing to discuss. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Work is shit. My father’s shit. Cried and cut three times this past week- twice in the toilets at work, and once while at home. The crying part is quite an achievement, so to speak, considering the Lexapro renders me numb and unable to shed tears majority of the time. I haven’t caught up with any friends since late August, which leaves me feeling lonely and isolated. Life has not been fine and dandy. But what’s new?
My next appointment with her is in about a month’s time, on November 13.
I’m contemplating asking for a switch. Whether I will follow through with actually asking though? Well. That’s another matter.
All my life I’ve attempted to; cause as least trouble as I could, offend as little people as I could, avoid confrontation as much as possible. I’m tempted to follow the same line of reasoning in this situation, and cause as little trouble as possible. I know my advice to someone in my position. It would be, “You deserve to see someone you get along with, who is able to help you. Asking for a change is not asking for trouble, it’s asking for a better fit so that you can recover.” Easier said than done, however.
My last psychologist, I felt as though we were talking about what she thought we should discuss, and I didn’t get the opportunity to bring up what I needed to bring up. But with her, at least it felt like some progress was made, and we were able to fill that fifty minutes. With my current psychologist though? When I’m given the opportunity to talk about what I need to talk about, my mind draws a blank, and there ends up being nothing to discuss as a result. Nothing to discuss equals no progress at all. Where is the balance? Or maybe it’s not the psychologist that’s the problem…maybe it’s me.
My next appointment with my psychiatrist in on November 9. She was the one who referred me to G, so I may consider asking her for a referral to someone else. Maybe. If I can gather the courage. Though doing so would feel as though I’m going behind my G’s back. Bringing it up with G herself though? Requires even greater courage, courage which I don’t possess. Either way it’s going to be difficult. Or I can take the easy way out and continue seeing G. Even if it does leave me feeling dissatisfied and not very hopeful for recovery.