Friend’s in hospital, I’m not

When people tell me they’re worried about me, I generally dismiss their concerns. I don’t view myself as someone worthy of care. I don’t have all that much regard for myself, so why should others have all that much regard for me?

When the roles are reversed though? I become very alarmed and stressed out over the person’s wellbeing.

My friend texted me on my mobile phone today. Over the past few days she has been asking me of my experiences with overdosing and hospital, with questions ranging from ‘What did you take?’ to ‘What did you tell the triage nurse at the ED?’ I have obliged with answering her questions, perhaps against my better judgement. I know she has a history of mental illness, self harm and hospital admissions, just to name a few. I was afraid that by answering her questions, specifically the ‘What and how much did you take when you OD’d?’, that I’d trigger her or give her ideas.

She told me today in her text that she is meant to be going to SCG Hospital (the same general hospital I was in just a week earlier in the Emergency Department following my overdose), because she is not in a good place right now and P Clinic, a private mental health clinic, have no beds available and her psychiatrist is away ’til Tuesday. She has been hospitalised twice before, once in the psych ward of SCG Hospital and the other time in P Cinic. It seems she is likely to be hospitalised again for the third time. I do worry about her, and just hope that she’s okay.

If I’m honest though, part of me is jealous. Jealous that she receives help in the form of a hospital admission, her third one in a period of a year while I’m just left to struggle. It feels a bit like deja vu at the moment. A similar situation had arisen a couple of years ago. A different friend also had mental health issues and was admitted four times in a period of less than a year while I, also struggling, was given almost bugger all. This friend is all better now, from what I’ve seen, she’s not one to hide it if she’s not okay.

I suppose I should be grateful I am getting more help than I’ve ever received before, in the form of seeing either my psychologist or psychiatrist once a week. Others who need help don’t get any support at all. I do pay for it though. If I didn’t, I’d probably still be getting bugger all.

I’ve never stayed in a psych ward or a mental health clinic. Perhaps if I knew what it was like, and discovered it is an awful place to be, I wouldn’t feel so jealous of my friend/s.

I can’t speak of any experiences in a psych ward, obviously. I can speak of my experiences in a medical ward though. It’s funny, when I was in hospital, all I wanted was to get out and never have to glance the inside of the hospital ward again. The few days following my discharge however, I just wanted to be back in again.

Perhaps it is difficult to understand why anyone would want to be in hospital. In some ways it is just, I suppose, easier. Nothing much is expected of you, there’s not much to worry about, you’re expected to just be. The day primarily consisted of getting up, eating, getting through the day and going back to sleep. When you’re depressed, that pretty much sounds like the ideal day. When you’re in hospital, there’s also less worry about whether you are able to keep yourself safe or not, because there are constantly people and nurses around who (theoretically) are meant to be looking after their patients.

When on the outside however, there are far too many triggers. Too much to worry about. Too much time spent alone with my thoughts. Too easy access to the stash of pills I have kept in my room and my razor blade.

Again, I haven’t spent time on a psych ward so for all I know, hospital experiences there could be entirely different.

I’m not sure I’d want to be in hospital exactly. I just want to be somewhere where I don’t have to think, don’t have to deal with life and don’t have to try to maintain this pretence that everything is okay. But that is just my tendency to run away from anything and everything difficult speaking, I know I do need to learn to cope with everyday life.

PS. I am very sorry to the few email subscribers that I have. In un-privatising my blog posts, WordPress seems to have decided it will resend each and every blog post. I do apologize for clogging up your inbox. I will attempt to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

13 thoughts on “Friend’s in hospital, I’m not

  1. hi there
    found you and your blog via twitter
    just wanted to say you write so beautifully, so openly, so honestly.
    thank you for sharing all you do.
    i was thinking of you a lot last week when you were debating whether to get help or not.
    fragmentz x

  2. I understand where you’re coming from with this, as I once had similar feelings prior to recieving ED treatment. It’s unfortunate that getting help is down to alot of things – where you live, who you see and even pure luck. Consequently it’s about finding a way of working with what you can access as best you can, and always remembering that you are your own best advocate where health is concerned. If you push for more support, there is always that chance that you might actually get some…once again, with a bit of luck. It’s hard though….and I know what you mean about wanting to feel safe when you are at a vulnerable point as you are now.

    Hang in there, and hopefully the support you are getting at the moment will help as time goes on. Remember you ARE worthy of care and you deserve help and support to overcome this.

    Sarah x

  3. I think I understand how you are feeling. It’s nice to feel cared about/for, and at a hospital there are several professionals there to care about/for you around the clock. But I hope you know that you don’t need to overdose if you need that attention– you can always go to the ED just as you are and say that you think you’re unsafe and need some help. But I must say that the psych ward (at least here in America) is a HORRIBLE place to be. I have never been so disrespected in my life like I was when I was there (a few times). That being said, however, they do serve a purpose and I would probably be dead today if I hadn’t been admitted to one.

    I also want you to know that I care about you and worry about you no matter what you think of yourself. You ARE deserving of care. It’s just hard to see it in ourselves.

    Wishing you well,

  4. I understand the feeling to want to be in hospital, but in my own opinion I would stay away unless it was life threatening. My reason, because when I was 21 I started to go to hosptial and I couldn’t stop. I have had around 90 admissions all up over time, 85 of them over a three year period. I loved hospital because I wasn’t lonely there and even though I’d get bored, there was always someone to talk to who understood. They practically needed a crow bar to get me out and on my first admission, I didn’t want to leave so I climbed up onto a ledge just so they’d keep me another day. It worked but it pissed a lot of peopl off, I ended up in seclusion and it snowballed. Hospital sounds appealing I know but you also learn things in there from other patients that you really don’t want to know, like some of them will tell you how they self harm and for me, I then tried it and I got worse and worse and worse during my time in hospital until one day I saw my chart and it said ‘severe borderline personality disorder” I was told I had two choices, stay in hospital forever for the rest of my life or get better. I chose to get better and in the last three years have only had two admissions. The last one was in April this year and while I was getting my medication right and needed to be there I was fine, but then at about day four, I didn’t want to go and had a huge freakout while I was on leave and had to come back. It takes me a long time to settle after an admission too because I am own again. Sorry for the essay, but I just wanted to tell you that. Only go when you really really have to and there are no other choices and it’s to keep you safe, not in a self harm way but in an I feel like I am going to OD way. Be gentle with yourself!

  5. I’ve bounced on this topic myself. I was in the hospital about 1/2 a dozen times in a period of 2 years. I would get so overwhelmed I’d just want to go to the psych ward to “not deal with it all.” and then once there was a problem with my insurance once and they sent me to a county hospital, which in CA means a free mental health facility that is overcrowded, understaffed, and generally not well run. I was there less than 24 hours but I hated it, that kinda curved the deire to go to the hospital to “not deal with it all.” I know what it’s like to be concerned about a friend and kinda jealous at the same time.

  6. hey, i know exactly how u feel, but i am the one who was in and out of psych hospital and my friend who has agoraphobia wasnt in, she was left to carry on. Its not a nice place to be but i know what you mean about when your in hospital you want to be out and when your out you want to be in again. I also agree with you about the not feeling like you have any worries etc when you are in there. I am ok in hospital if i can have a needle to pinch my skin with. Iv started taking one in with me when im in.

  7. just as the others have said…i understand your struggle…and it sometimes it just seems suffering never ends…part of me also understands wanting to be in the hospital…because it’s like FIALLY, just fix it fix it, i’m so sick of it but the hospital doesn’t do that 😦

    just stay strong through this hard time. sit through the storm. you can do this.

    take care
    i hope things get better soon

  8. Hi. You’re friends with Grace. I love Grace, and I love your site. I added you to my “Favorite Blogger” section on my site : )

    ❤ Sirena

    P.S. The first paragraph on your entry I can COMPLETELY relate to!

  9. I understand wanting the extra caring and support that being in the hospital can offer. If you stated that you didn’t feel safe on your own, they would be obligated to keep you. I’ve been on the pstch ward twice in the past 2 years, and both stays were horrible. When I’m that suicidal and depressed, I just want to be left alone. I’m sorry that you are suffering, and in such a bad place. You are deserving of care and concern. Never believe that you aren’t. Glad that I found your blog:)

  10. “I’m not sure I’d want to be in hospital exactly. I just want to be somewhere where I don’t have to think, don’t have to deal with life and don’t have to try to maintain this pretence that everything is okay.” – i’ve been trying to put how i feel into words for a while now and you’ve managed just that, i’m so sorry you feel like this too, it’s horrible. take care xo

  11. I’m new here. You have a good blog. I really understand the wanting to get out of the hospital and then wanting to go back. It is easier for me as there are, like you said, staff to support you, less pressure, etc… Hang in there and I hope that your friend has good care. Remember to take care of yourself.

    Be well,

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