Agitated and aggravated would describe how I felt at work today. It’s been a while since I’ve had such a strong urge to cut. No particular trigger, just too much thinking as usual. But I couldn’t. Not while at work. So I wanted to scream, yell, throw something, punch the wall, anything to get my frustration out. I couldn’t do that either. Not unless I want my colleagues to think me to have serious issues. Had to make do with tapping my fingers and my feet. Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap ARGH. Not too much though, lest I annoy everyone else around me.
It’s 10pm at night and I haven’t given into my urges. Yet. I’m trying not to, but it’s been playing on my mind the whole day. I want to feel the edge of that silver blade against my skin. I want to hurt. I want to bleed. I look at my thighs, searching for the next space to cut, and it’s not a good sign when I can see old wounds not yet healed, and I am running out of space.
Life is not running smoothly at the moment. I feel alone, directionless and desperate. Simultaneously, these feelings have almost a dull quality to it. As if I feel these things, but at the same time I don’t. At the same time, I also feel empty and devoid. Nothingness. Perhaps an effect of the medication?
Another contributing factor to this urge to cut is my growing frustration. At both myself and others. At my inability to express how I’m really feeling. At others’ inability to perceive how I’m really feeling. The past few weeks before, I was coping okay, despite having been terminated from my Uni course. To family and friends, I acted as if all was fine. And perhaps all was fine. Now it’s not. But I’ve become accustomed to being chatty and full of smiles that now I don’t know how to express otherwise. So I have continued this act and it’s killing me inside. I’m growing more and more frustrated that they all think I’m fine when right now I’m not, and it’s prompting me to want to turn this anger inwards, onto myself.
Why must I always turn to harming myself to deal with things? Or as my psychiatrist put it in shrink-speak, use ‘maladaptive coping mechanisms’?