Futile

I have been left feeling a bit high and dry from my therapy session this morning.

It’s not really my psychologist’s fault. Perhaps I was expecting too much from this session. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. Well yes, actually I do. I want someone to be sympathetic towards my situation. To acknowlege how awful it feels to have been terminated from my course. I just want someone to tell me that it’s all going to be okay, that it doesn’t mean I am a failure.

I’m questioning whether therapy really is helpful. Is it? It all just seems futile at the moment. What’s talking about it going to do? It’s not going to solve my problems. It’s not going to fix things. I could talk and talk ’til my throat ran sore, and yeah, while it’s better than keeping it all inside, it probably still wouldn’t get me anywhere. As demonstrated when G asked me what were the thinking errors identified during the time I saw my previous psychologist and did CBT. Umm… I. Can’t. Remember?

I’ve been feeling disengaged and a sense of resignation. I feel frustrated; at myself, at others, at therapy, at the University, just at life in general really.

10 thoughts on “Futile

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Futile « Behind the Façade -- Topsy.com

  2. Hey,

    Really really sorry for the lack of commenting – for some reason your new posts have not been showing up on my blog space, so I thought you’d stopped blogging! Agh technology…hopefully I’ll be able to follow you again now…

    Sarah x

  3. PS Sorry to hear that therapy isn’t that useful – maybe you just haven’t found the right therapist yet? Or maybe the approach isn’t right? Personally I never found stuff like CBT that useful, and preferred person-centred/solution focused approaches…xxx

  4. Adults/People hardly ever realise that we need that reassurance that we’re all going to be fine, and that setbacks/failures do not determine our self-worth. I had to wait for two years before someone finally told me that I had a right to cry and feel sad, instead of the usual questions (and ensuing disappointment) about how I was feeling and why wasn’t I feeling better even after such a long time.

    Talking WILL get you somewhere. It might seem futile, but it’s not. Until you have the chance to work through your emotions, to grapple with them and confront them (your fears, anger, horror, grief etc), it’s hard to find closure. And even harder still to move on from it.

    The disengagement you feel is probably part of your defensive mechanism. I spent a long time oscillating between the first four stages of grief before I finally came to terms (and peace) with myself.

    I’m thinking of you.

    *hugs*

  5. I’m so glad we’ve reconnected again! Sorry again about the strangeness of my blog – I absolutely did not knowingly delete you from my blog roll. Blogger has been doing weird things to me, like not letting people comment and you are not the only one who has randomly disappeared from my list recently…I’m seriously considering moving to WordPress at some point…

    Sarah x

  6. I agree with Sarah, you may not have found the right therapist and really that can sometimes be hit and miss. Maybe give a few more sessions and if you still don’t connect with them, then terminate it. Have you thought of asking the uni for referals? I know that the uni I work with has Student Services that have short term counsellors but they also are able to give students referals for new therpists should they need it. Of is that how you got this one, can’t remember now???
    *hugs*
    Sarah

  7. I can really understand where you’re coming from. But I think even if therapy doesn’t solve our problems it at least allows us to vent about them and be validated. But it sounds like your session today wasn’t very validating. I’m sorry. Is this a pattern? Maybe it’s something you can talk to your therapist about if it is.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

  8. I agree with other’s thoughts on this too – I hated hated hated therapy until I got the right therapist. And even then, I get runs of sessions where I think “Huh. This is pointless. I’m not turning up again!”. But sticking with it and changing if needed is most likely going to be really useful in the long term. I say “most likely” because, no, some people need something more than therapy. Something more intensive, or maybe medication, or just non-directive support. But I know how to feels for a session to just be rather… meh. It’s not easy, but it can do a LOT of good.

    Maybe you could discuss this with your therapist stick with it and then review the situation in say… a month or so? By then, you should’ve managed to discuss it with your therapist and thought about where the sessions are leading, and it’ll let you guage how sucessful it is from your perspective. Feel free to ignore this advice if it’s crap.

    outwardly x

  9. I understand your frustrations with therapy. Sometimes I think therapy has made me more insane. Sometimes I think therapy is relapsing me. But, the professionals keep telling me that I’m moving forward even when I I feel like I’m a million years behind where I should be….

    I understand the frustrations. Keep your chin up. Everytime I question therapy, it eventually gets better. 🙂 You can stand through it.

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