*PT* Holding On…

*Disclaimer: Before anyone panics and starts to punch in the number for emergency services, I am NOT about to off myself. These are just thoughts, it does not mean I am about to act on them.

First of all, I want to apologize for the negative nature of my posts. I’m finding it harder to keep holding on. Nights are the worst, when I’m left to ponder my own thoughts. I struggle to find reasons to keep living and I realise how truly alone I remain. Last night and again tonight, I took out the stash of pills I’ve come to posess, the leftover prescription medications I had previously taken from the pharmacy. I contemplated swallowing them. I stared them down. With some reluctance, I hid them back into my drawer.

I have four different pills, drug 1, drug 2, drug 3, drug 4. The last time, I took drug 1,2 and 3 and slept for a good eighteen hours and woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous. Compare it to what I took two months ago, I have fifteen times the amount of drug 1. I have three times the amount of drug 2. I also have three times the amount of drug 3. Add in drug 4, which I didn’t take any of during my last OD. I wonder how much damage I could do then?

I so far have not given into my urges to overdose. I’m not going to either. I’m trying. Trying really hard to not give into my thoughts. What’s stopping me? My parents for one. I couldn’t do this to them. Not again. Not so soon after the last time. Not when they’ve forked out all this money on ambulance fees, GP fees, psychiatrist appointments already. They may not be the most nurturing of parents and I may not be the most considerate of children, but I do feel guilty for putting them through all this. Guilty enough to stop me from doing this again anytime soon. I also have a huge aversion to proving my psychiatrist right. If I do attempt to OD again, just two weeks before exams start, the idea that all my issues are attributed to Uni will be even more firmly implanted in Dr T’s mind. Plus, I do feel quite attention seeking when I turn up to a psychologist/psychiatrist/GP’s office, with news I’ve taken an overdose, and I unfortunately am seeing Dr T again in a week. I’m afraid of losing my job, I suspect if I again abuse medications I had stolen from my workplace, I may not get away quite so easily without them finding out and me suffering the consequences of a sanction from my employers this time.

If not for all this, honestly, I probably would have consumed all those pills by now. If the ambulance wasn’t called for me by my friends two months ago, none of the above factors would come into play. I suppose everyone else will have the view that yes, the ambulance arriving did have some positive outcome after all. I can’t say I quite agree…

It’s getting a bit old, really. Oh, BtF’s thinking about overdosing yet again? Tell me something new. The people who read my rants, my online friends, must be getting quite bored of hearing this already. I even contemplated deleting some of my old posts, because I feel that I am being overly negative, venting about the same old issues and topics, over and over again, but I know if I do this I will regret it later on. Truthfully, it is getting a bit old. I’ve taken four overdoses in two years. I should be learning how to cope, moving forward with my life. Instead, I’m searching for the easy way out. Because that’s what it is, it’s me not wanting to deal with whatever hardship life has to offer me. Suicide is not an option, it never is, it never was. I need to get that into my head.

8 thoughts on “*PT* Holding On…

  1. No hun, it’s not old. It’s simply an accurate chronicle of your life as things stand, so pleased don’t think that we’re ‘bored’. Concern and empathy transcend anything like that.

    I wish I could offer something to ease your pain, but all I can say is that I’m thinking of you, sending hugs and empathy. Be safe xxx

  2. I agree with Pandora. It isn’t old. It is how you are feeling at the moment, and that is what your blog should be about. Don’t worry about what people will think – if they don’t want to read then they don’t have to.

    I wish I knew how to help you. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. But there isn’t. I don’t know the answers – if I did then I wouldn’t be in this type of position myself. All I can suggest is to hold on, and please try to tell someone how you are feeling. Have you managed to make an appointment with the psychologist? I am really hoping they will be good and you will be able to talk to them and they will help you.

    Do you think you have felt worse since your appointment with Dr T? Sometimes we have hopes or expectations about appointments, and if it doesn’t live up to that, or if it goes really badly, then that can make you feel even worse than you did before you saw them. Have you come to any decision about medication yet?

    Sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say. I am thinking of you though, and like I have said before – if you ever want to talk then you know where I am. x

  3. Hi hon. First, be safe. Always first. Right? And it sounds like you are so good for you. I get suicidal ideation. Had it my entire life. I also have an impressive stash but while I’d never want to give it up I won’t use it. Safety net sort of a thing. However. I wantto live a life that is whole, is full of life and fun and clarity and I believe that if I trust the process I will get there. Eventually. It’s in the moving forward.

    When I tried to OD many years ago I took 102 pills. My partner was supposed to be on a trip but she came home early. Only reason I’m alive today. And while every day continues to be a struggle, i am
    very glad to be here. You have an illness and just like any other Illness you need to get healed. Just stay safe, get the help you need, and this too shall pass.

  4. Hey lovely cass

    its not old.its how you feel at the moment, and that will never be old.if writing about it helps, write it. I very often at the moment feel like that myself, and im no way gonna say that i know how you feel, but maybe i undestad a little.sometimes it helps to know eople get it, yknow. I have this theory about suicidal ideation-its just that. If thats the way you REALLY wanted it, you, me, and everyone else would have just done it by now.thats what i have to keep telling myself anyway. I think back over al the things i have done to harm myself in the last year or so and literally shudder. I think about the last very near miss, and i dont know what i think.But what I DO know is that if that was what i truly wanted, well i would have made it work.
    its just the holding on thats so bloody hard.
    im sorry this is sucha rubbish comment
    if you ever want to talk, email is vkbaker@hotmail.co.uk
    take care
    vic xx

  5. Don’t feel bad about posting and reposting about your suicidal thoughts, if nothing more than to help me feeling sane that I’m not the only one out there who seems to constantly come back to the same spot. One thing I’ve found that helps, is if you have something that you can push towards. For me, it’s graduation next week. I know I want to go and that my mom, after all she’s done to help me, deserves to see me graduate. I’m focussing on that. After graduation, I will try to find something else to push towards. It’ll probably be the next therapy appointment.
    I’m really hoping that your psychologist is helpful for you – more so than the psychiatrist. Finding and have that professional relationship with someone you can trust is something that can genuinely help you to feel better.
    Much love & hugs!

  6. So sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time.
    I can remember spending so many empty dark times struggling with my stash a pills. It’s an obcessive thing I know. I can hear how hard you’re trying to logic your way out of it. And that’s really useful, but, maybe it just keeps the battle going on in your head. I use to talk to my therapist a lot about the “battle” in my head over suicide. I think it’s good to try to logic your way out of it, but the battle is never ending and very tiring, isn’t it. I’ve been there.
    Maybe try pushing away the entire battle. Stepping back from it alltogether. Getting rid of your stash. If you want to stop the battle. If you’re ready to give it up. If you’re ready to have your energy back for other things, get rid of the stash. Keeping it is like being a drug addict and having a stash of your drugs in secret. You wouldn’t expect a drug addict to be able to get on with their lives if they had their drug easily excessable.
    Please don’t feel to pressured by my ideas. They are just my ideas. It’s just that it relieved so much tention in my life and mind when I got rid of the stash. Maybe it wasn’t great at first but by now I’m 100% glad I did.

  7. And,
    I don’t think you ever need to feel badly about posting things like this. I think it’s a great thing that you’re open to suggestions.

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