I look at where I am now. I wonder what my life would be like had I did things differently before. Would it be the same? Would it have changed somehow? Would I be better off? Worse off?
I think all the way back to Year 8, when I was 12, when I was sent off to see the school counsellor because I was having difficulty coping, unhappy and crying everyday. What if I was honest about how much I was struggling, and my teachers identified that my issues ran a little deeper? What if there was some sort of early intervention? Would my problems have been caught and kicked, before they had the chance to grow into even bigger problems later on? Would it have prevented me from self harming, developing an eating disorder, suffering from depression and taking overdoses all those years follwing, up until now?
Had I been compliant with my previous psychiatrist and taken the SSRI he wanted to prescribe at the end of 2008. Would the medication have helped with my depression, my bulimia? Would my moods have lifted? Would I be bingeing and purging less than I am now? Or, harder to imagine, not at all?
If the appointment with my ex-psychologist hadn’t fell through, and I continued seeing her. Would I still be attending therapy with her now? Would the CBT and mindfulness have actually started to help? Would I have ceased therapy, not because it didn’t work out with her, but because I was well enough to do so?
Even thinking about my current situation. Had I not met my friends, and had they not found out about my OD, I wouldn’t have had an ambulance called on me. Had an ambulance not arrived, my parents would still remain blissfully ignorant about my mental ill health. Had my parents remained in the dark, I would have not sought private mental health treatment again, and I would not be seeing a psychiatrist in a week. Would I have been going to headspace for counselling instead? Would I have sought help from a Uni psychologist had headspace fell through? Or would I have remained without any treatment at all?
Besides the obvious symptoms of my mental illnesses present, I wonder about the other aspects of my life. Have they been changed by mental illness too? What if I wasn’t suffering from mental health issues? Would I still be failing Uni, like I am now? Would I be of normal body size, underweight or overweight? Would I be able to keep friends and make the effort to stay in touch, instead of losing them and rejecting invitations to go out?
It’s strange to think that a simple action has the potential to shift the whole course of our life. It scares me to think that alterring one variable, just one variable, could turn y0ur whole life upside down and change the direction you’re heading altogether. It’s like trying to build a tower out of wooden blocks, just one block out of place, and the whole structure could come toppling down.
So many questions left unanswered. But what’s happened has happened, and nothing can be done to change the past now. All I can hope for is that my life is travelling the direction it was meant to and that in the end everything will fall into place. I have to keep believing that everything that happens, happens for a reason.