I know, I know, I know. You can’t feel fat, because fat is not a feeling. So why am I still feeling a curious sensation shooting up towards my arms and down towards my legs? It’s a strange tingling that occurs whenever food is present in my stomach. It’s as if all the calories, the energy, the fat from the food in my stomach is dispersing throughout my body at a million miles per second. I can feel the flesh on my arms, my legs, my waist grow thicker, thicker, as I contunue to take up too much space.
In an effort to halt this thickening of my flesh and be rid of the tingling in my body, I decided to go for a jog yesterday. This jog was to no avail, the feeling is still there. Now I have to deal with sore, aching muscles in addition to the feeling of fat. I feel restless, full of electricity, electricity that can only eliminated by constant movement. Even writing this blog post I feel like I should be getting up from my seat, moving around and actually doing something about this energy that would otherwise get stored as fat.
These feelings have not come out of nowhere. It is not some random thought with no origin that came wandering into my mind. It stems from the confirmation of my largeness by that oh so wonderful machine with the numbers, that we call a scale.
I’ve been feeling fine as of late. My mood has improved, I’ve not self harmed in weeks. The unfortunate trade off for this has been my eating.
In my mind, being home alone equates to the chance to go into the kitchen to eat without anyone knowing. Late at night when everyone’s asleep, equates to the chance to go into the kitchen to eat without anyone knowing. Basically anytime my family are not in the kitchen presents that opportunity. It is now at the point where I’m bingeing and purging most days. I know that this is compartively mild to the extent of others’ eating disorders. Some do it multiple times a day. But for me, I know it’s getting bad when I’m doing it almost everyday, especially when there’s been a couple of days I’ve binged and purged more than once.
I can’t help being envious of those who manage to remain the same weight or even lose weight in correlation to their bulimic behaviours. Me? I manage to gain weight. With the increase in bingeing and purging, my weight has also increased correspondingly. In just a couple of weeks, I’ve managed to gain over 1kg. And no wonder, given all the food I’ve been consuming. Being unhappy about my weight and knowing that I’ve gained hasn’t deterred me from eating, and eating and purging, then eating some more. Food has become my way of coping with unhappiness, boredom and loneliness.
Right now I feel as though I don’t have an eating disorder, as much as disordered eating. In the beginning of it all, two years ago, I might have felt justified in calling it an ‘eating disorder.’ That was when I was restricting, as well as purging, and I actually managed to lose some weight. These days I’m hardly even restricting. The only symptom that points to ‘eating issues’ is bingeing and purging. Other than that, if I’m not restricting and I’m not losing weight, it means I do not have an eating disorder. Simple.
Even health professionals I’ve come accross put much emphasis on weight. The school counsellor I saw in Year 12 expressed her concern because I was ‘looking thin.’ My previous psychiatrist commented that looking at me, he could already tell that I’m underweight. Just this week, my GP, instead of asking me about the extent of my eating disordered symptoms, chose to weigh me and upon comfirming I had remained the same weight, assumed that I was doing alright with my eating, despite an increase in bingeing and purging. In fact, the only person who recognised that weight does not necesarilly correspond to how much a person is struggling with bulimia was my clinical psychologist. So because I’m not severely underweight (‘You’re perfect the way you are now and if you lost anymore weight, you’d be underweight’ says my GP) I feel as though I won’t get taken seriously and I do not have a proper eating disorder. It’s just a shame that my non eating disorder involves so much bingeing and purging.