A group of people from my workplace are organising to go out on Sunday night for dinner, to catch up with a workmate who has now left. I got asked whether I wanted to go or not. These past couple of months, with everything that’s been going on and my depression being worse than usual, I have avoided social situations and rejected invitations to go out. I thought it was time to break the cycle. So with some hesitation, I said yes.
I’m feeling a bit apprehensive about it. I’ve never been out with my workmates before. My Aunty will be there, as I work with her and she was the one who introduced me in, so it won’t be as intimidating as if I were to go by myself. I can convince myself that I am just tagging along with her, and therefore the pressure to be social is lessened. But still. I haven’t been out with friends for two months. Two months. I feel so out of sync, like I’ve forgotten how to have relationships with people. Isolation is unhealthy, especially when you are suffering from depression. I know that. I know that the longer I continue isolating myself, the worse the social anxiety is going to get. As my school counsellor in high school said, exposure is the only way to overcome social anxiety. But I am far more comfortable continuing to hide inside my cocoon, than to attempt breaking out of it.
Then there is the issue of food. Out of all the places they could choose to go, they chose a buffet. One of the worst places you can put someone who is bulimic. With the abundance of food, and as much as you can eat, the temptation to binge will be far too much. I will not be able to resist. And hey, I’m Asian, I like to get my money’s worth. Funnily enough, the last time I went out with my friends two months ago, we went to a buffet too. The inevitable happened, I went, I binged, I purged. I’m envisioning the same thing happening this time.
With all this in mind, um, why did I agree to go again?