When I left the Medical Center and I wrote my previous post, I was feeling upset, frustrated, misheard and misunderstood. I came home, felt really awful about it all, cried and ended up self harming. I have since calmed down and have been trying to do what he has instructed me to do…even though I don’t like it. Two out of three days so far, I have done the one hour of walking. Yesterday I did not do it because honestly, after spending eight hours at work the last thing I want to do is spend another hour of the day exercising when I am completely out of energy. I have bought fish oil capsules: ones that are ‘super small’ and ‘super concentrated.’ Got a bit scared of swallowing a capsule yesterday and bit into it. Eww. Enough said. Tried to swallow it today and found that swallowing the capsule is not as hard as I originally thought. Problem is that the directions on the packaging tell me to take one capsule daily, GP told me to take three capsules daily. I said that I dislike ambiguity, see, this is why! As for the three meals, I have been eating three meals a day. Admittedly, my portion sizes are a lot smaller than what the average person eats. Still, it’s three meals that are nutritionally balanced…just small. Today was a bit of a fail though, ate a small peice of apple pie at friend’s house, counted it as lunch, and purged after eating dinner.
As for everything else…
At work, another person is leaving. They mentioned the word ‘party’ and I brightened up at the idea of a party to break up the monotony of everyday work. That lasted until I realised that party equals food. It just happened that the party will be happening the one day in the week that I am at work. Last time it was pizza and I couldn’t do it, ended up bringing my own lunch. This time they are talking about buying KFC. I think I fear KFC even more than I fear pizza. So here we go, another party where I bring my own lunch, this WILL be a fun party once again.
Received a letter from the psychiatrist’s secretary confirming my appointment. The initial consultation fee for an hour is $330. Medicare rebate for this is $209. That’s still about $120 out of my own pocket. Ouch. To be able to access adequate mental health care in Australia, you have to be pretty well off it seems. There are public services, but it is not easy to access these services. My friend has tried to see a psychiatrist through the public system for depression, and has been rejected a few times. She ended up going private in the end. $120 gone from just an hour of consulting with a private psychiatrist. I earn less than that in a week, with only being able to work 5 hours when I’m at Uni. I feel so guilty already that after all the money spent by my parents on GP, psychiatrist and psychologist appointments during 2008 and 2009 I’m still no better. My father has already said something to me in the past about the money spent on me and my appointments. And now I’m needing round two and even more money spent, I feel absolutely terrible. It reminds me of my aunt saying that my parents are ‘lucky’ because they do not have to pay for expensive dermatalogical products for my brother and I, unlike she does for her children. It’s ironic that my parents are probably thinking the same thing about her, that she’s lucky because she doesn’t have to pay for mental health treatment for her children.
These past couple of weeks have been study break and this weekend concludes this, I am back at Uni next week. Met a friend today for a study session. Was nice to meet up with a friend, even if it was to study. Was probably the most study I had done the past couple of weeks. With working four full days in this past fortnight, and everything else that has happened, I had not found the time/been motivated/been in the right headspace to study at all. I fear failure is coming at me fast and will hit me hard. My friend was telling me about hanging out with her friends, going out at the middle of the night at 3am to talk, barbeques with friends, staying over at friend’s houses and going shopping together during her study break. Made me feel pretty wistful. The last time I hung out with friends was over a month ago. Pretty much my own doing though, have rejected a couple of invitations from friends to hang out. Today was the first time in over a month that I have met up with a friend outside of Uni. “So what have you done this study break,” she asks, “Have you studied a lot?” “Nope, not at all. Besides work, I have managed to overdose, sleep an entire day away due to the OD, had an ambulance come, had parents find out about my mental health issues once again, attended GP appointments and been referred to a psychiatrist once again.” But of course I don’t tell her that. Instead I say, “I have tried to study, and have worked four full days.” Yep, my life is comparitively dull. Though, I’d prefer dull any day rather than what I am going through now.