Wish this was all just a bad April Fool’s joke. But nope…it’s Thurdsday night and what I did last night was real.
I wasn’t even trying to kill myself, not really. It was more about self harm or wanting to know what taking those pills would do. I didn’t have the guts to take the whole lot. I didn’t even take that much, I knew that taking that amount was not going to kill me. It just happened to knock me out from bedtime last night which was about 11:00pm till about 5:00pm today. That’s insane, eighteen hours of sleep. And even after that amount of sleep, I’m still dizzy, drowsy and nauseous. Which is why I keep thinking it’s still Wednesday today, I slept through the whole of today. It’s crazy to think that the whole day has flown past me already, I’m usually quite an early riser with waking up at 7:00am most mornings.
I couldn’t even stand long enough to take a shower, I got too dizzy and felt nauseuos. Had to pause, sit down and try to stand again. Three times.
It’s never happened before that I’ve lost the whole day and it scares me. I have taken pills with alcohol before when I’ve been suicidal and I’ve wanted to self harm. But not this variety of medicines. One of the ‘perks’ of working in a pharmacy I suppose. Four different types- three need a doctor’s prescription, one of them don’t. If they ever found out though, I’d be in so much trouble and would be fired for sure.
I wasn’t one of those days where I’m crying, despairing and hurt. It was of those days where I am just sick of it. That exhaustion that comes with having depression, the feeling of the pointlesness of it all, like everything’s too hard to cope with. Why should I be bothered trying to live? Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s going to change. I’ve been dealing with depression and self harm for about six years now. Why do I keep hoping that things will improve? It won’t. I’ve lost that hope. Because nothing will change.