Alone-ness & Lectures

It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair. Why does it seem like everyone else has somebody to notice when they’re struggling and encourage them to get help? It’s not fair. I have nobody like that. If I want to get help, I have to do it all myself, nobody’s there to make the appointment for me, make sure I go to the appointment, offer to go to with me. I’m not that strong, and I’m not that brave.

It’s just…the friend I mentioned in my previous post who’s also seeking help again, she was saying how when she first went to the doctor to get referred for counselling, someone organised it for her and again with seeking help from the Tafe counsellor, someone helped her make the appointment. I’m happy for her that she has this someone…I just wish I had someone too 😦 I have no one doing that for me. That’s fine…if no one cares…then I don’t care either…and I will just continue to struggle without getting help…

Okay, to be fair, another friend I met online through Reach Out, a fellow Youth Ambassador, has offered to go with me to headspace for the appointment. But I’ve only met her in real life once for the first time last week so I couldn’t make her do that for me. Really sweet of her to offer though.

Little brother’s birthday dinner last night with family and relatives. Discussion turns to health, body size and eating well. It started when Aunt E said M, a mutual workmate, told my aunt to tell me the dangers of not eating enough and being too thin after seeing the portion sizes that I bring for lunch. M’s cousin who is apparently a few years older than me and slightly thinner than me had problems with her bones when she was in first year Uni because she wasn’t eating enough and had to stay in hospital for a few months. The story is that M’s cousin was also depressed and being hospitalised and having these problems also resulted in her missing out on Uni and her grades falling. This then turns into a lecturing session, with my parents, my aunties and my grandmother all lecturing me about eating an adequate amount and being a healthy body size. And warning me against ending up like M’s cousin, in hospital and falling behind in Uni. Thanks for the warning, though it comes a bit late, I’m already screwing up Uni. Possibly screwing up my health too. Meh.

Father then says that us young females think we’re ‘beautiful’ if we deny ourselves food and keep slim. Um, what? That is so FAR from the truth. I look in the mirror and I see horrible and disgusting, hardly beautiful at all.

Tonight when we were eating dinner at home, father was watching a story on TV about a parent who was very sick in hospital and the child had to quit school to work to pay for the parent’s medical bills (in China). Which led to yet abother lecture from him about how if I get sick, family won’t have the money to pay for me to stay in hospital, it not only affects me if I’m sick but it affects everyone, so I better start eating more. I so just want to ask him, ‘How about the fact that you smoke everyday, what if you get lung cancer? Do we have the money to pay for that then?’ I love that it’s not so much the ‘me being sick’ that he’s worried about, it’s the money that would be spent. Same with the psychologist and psychiatrist appointments, his thoughts were on the money that was being spent on them and why aren’t I better after all that money spent? Though I do feel bad that after all the appointments last year I’m still no better :/

They make it sound so easy. Like it is so simple to just eat more, just like that. Don’t they think I want that too? To be able to eat three healthy meals. To be able to resist purging when I feel too full. To be able to control myself so I don’t binge. To be able to enjoy pizza and ice cream with friends without thinking twice.

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