I’m back at Uni this week and I’m hating it. If last year was bad, this year is even worse. I actually had friends last year in my lectures and classes. But now that I’m stuck in first year and my friends have moved on to second year, I have no one. This semester I am doing two first year units and one second year unit. I’m not doing enough first year units to make friends with the new first year students, not doing enough second year units to keep the friends that I made last year. I’m feeling really lonely and last year the fact that I had great friends is one of the only things that was going well for me and I was happy about. And now I don’t even have that.
If we fail a unit twice we may get kicked out of our course. I’m feeling the pressure now, fail chemistry and human bio again, and I get kicked out of pharmacy. Part of me thinks that it may not be so bad, right now I hate studying pharmacy anyway. But then I think about the fact that it would mean I failed something and I think about what my parents, relatives and friends would think of me, I think about the money wasted on my study and I freak out. Plus, I don’t know what I want to do instead of pharmacy. I’m afraid that even if I apply to study another course at Uni, I won’t even get accepted because I’m failing the course I’m currently in.
My mood has been pretty low this week and I’m afraid of falling again. Was crying at Uni yesterday and close to crying again at work today. I don’t know how I managed to go that four months I did without cutting. These past few days when I’ve been at home and I have my blade, I’ll end up giving in. At Uni and at work when I don’t have my blade with me, I’ll wish I had it so that I can self harm. It’s difficult to care about recovery when I’m feeling low and I’m anxious and alone.
At work today, at the pharmacy, I was packing the medication into Websterpaks as usual. And I was imagining what I could do with all those pills I was packing. But not to worry, it’s not like that’s something I would ever dare to do while at I’m work.
Right now there is also way too much junk food in our house, food to binge on. We have cake, chips, cookies, chocolate hot cross buns, lamingtons, ice cream, cereal bars plus more, it’s food galore. If the food is accessible and right there it makes it that much harder to resist eating it, which leads to bingeing and purging. I don’t know how to tell my mother to not buy that food. I tried asking her why she buys so much of this food. She then asks ‘It’s not a lot, it’s just one packet (one packet of each of those food equals A LOT). I thought you like it?’ I tried telling her, ‘I do, but I don’t want to have it in the house.’ It’s hard enough trying to resist buying binge food when I’m out shopping by myself. But for my mother to buy it and have it in the house, makes it so much harder to resist bingeing and purging.
I managed to go without laxatives for a few weeks. And this week after coming back from Sydney I got some sort of food poisoning, which is strange. Food poisoning from being in Asia I can understand but Sydney? I must’ve ate something that didn’t agree with me. Weighed myself afterwards and found that I weighed less. In fact the last time I weighed that number must’ve been almost a year ago. And since recovering from the food poisoning my weight has gone back up. Which is triggering and has led me to use laxatives again. Which is stupid because I know it’s only water weight that I’ve lost and using laxatives again is only going to get me back on that cycle of constipation, using laxatives, trying to stop, constipation, using laxatives again and so on.
I had a dream last night. I dreamt that my mother was comparing a photo of me that was taken when I was younger and a photo taken of me recently. She was pointing out that compared to when I was younger, I’ve gained weight and now look fat. Which is something that my mother wouldn’t do, so I don’t know why I dreamt it. Think it stems from my own fear that I’m fat and other people also see me that way. It doesn’t help either that I’ve had a couple of people who’ve commented before that from looking at my face, it seems like I’ve gained weight. I look at photos that have been taken of me and I look at them and think, ‘I wish I was skinnier.’ Strange how our fears come to light in our subconciousness when we are asleep. I remember in the past dreaming of people seeing the scars on my thighs and finding out about my self harm, that used to be a big worry of mine.
Sorry for the negativity and my rambling, my posts aren’t so intelligent when I’m not in a good headspace. Should probably just write in my private diary…