Saving face

I’m upset, I’m unhappy, I’m angry and I gave in and cut after four months cut free. And what does my mother care about? Saving face in front of the guests.

When I’m unhappy I tend to hide in my room by myself and restrict food even more than usual. Yesterday and this morning I hid in my brother’s room (temporarilly my room seeing as mine has been taken over) unless it was absolutely necessary to come out.

Mum came into my brother’s room this morning to talk to me. She told me to come out of the room, eat breakfast and put on a happy face. She said that it did not give a good impression to the guests to see me unhappy, not eat, hiding in the room all day being anti-social and she was afraid of embarassment and the talk that her friend would bring back to Indonesia, where my mum has family and friends.

I basically told her I don’t care, they’re your guests, not mine.

My mum’s friend was also asking my mum, in front of me, how come I eat so little, did I always eat this little, she even asked how much I weigh. My mum’s friend to my mum, musing about why I ate so little, ‘Maybe she’s afraid of being fat.’ Hmm, maybe.

If my mother does not want her friends to see that her daughter is depressed and has eating issues, maybe she shouldn’t allow guests to stay over at our house.

I’m sorry if I’m not going to put on a smile, eat normally just to please you and your guests. Sick of pretending to be happy when I’m not.

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