I guess it’s comparable to Christmas. It’s not a religious holiday, but it’s the biggest celebration in the Chinese calendar, where friends and family come together and children get red packets with money inside them and it’s a time of joy and good fortune. In theory anyway.
Today is Chinese New Year Eve and things are not off to a good start.
My father shouted at me for having an untidy room when in fact only a few days ago I vacuumed and cleared the dust off the shelves. In my anger I threw out my paints, paintbrushes, ruler, metronome, notebooks, sunglasses, portable radio and earphones, photo album with photos inside and I don’t know what else. I don’t think I want to know…The problem is that when I get angry, the anger overtakes my ability to think and I act on impulse and rage. My knucles aren’t very pretty right now either, when it met the brick wall in my frustration.
Guests from Indonesia, a family of four, are arriving in Australia today and staying at our house for the next four nights. They didn’t get invited, they invited themselves. And of course, my mother is too polite to say that they are not welcome to stay at our house while they are here.
This means I am getting kicked out of my room whilst they are here, which I am not happy about. My room is my sanctuary, my haven, my safe place.
With sleeping in my room there is also the risk that the guests will get an insight onto some of my mental health issues. On the surface it’s just a normal room with a bed, a desk and a cupboard. But if you look closer I have; A razor that I use to SH. Anti-septic for the wounds. Bandaids for the bleeding. Bio-oil for the scars. Pills kept for ‘just in case.’ Laxatives. At times food wrappers hidden in the drawers from when I’ve had a binge. A tape measure. My diaries which I pour all my deepest thoughts into, including stuff I write about my mental health issues. However, I suspect only someone with experience would suspect, and I’ve hidden them relatively well. Here’s hoping they are not the type to snoop and look through other people’s things.
I am just so not in the mood to put on a happy face and have to entertain the guests. We are hosting the Chinese New Year Eve dinner at our house this year for these guests and a friend of my father’s. And the fact that the guests are staying over…this is 24/7 for the next four, five days. At least usually if I am unhappy I can come home knowing I can hide in my room and just cry and let out my emotions. Can’t exactly do that when others are here.