It had been weeks since I’ve had the opportunity to go shopping by myself. Until today when I had the day off work so I went out shopping with my two friends, N and J. N had to give J a lift home so I said that I would take the bus home from the shopping center myself to save N the trouble.
This gave me the opportunity to shop by myself, seeing as I needed to buy a couple of things. But with being able to shop by myself comes the temptation to buy the food that I usually binge on. It’s okay when I’m shopping with someone else, I’m too embarassed to buy packets of those types of foods- cakes, doughnuts, chocolate, brownies, cookies…but when I shop by myself there’s no one there see the amount and types of food I buy-except myself.
I had to tell myself, ‘No BtF, you DON’T need to buy this food to binge on.’ I managed to walk away and came home with none of the binge food that I saw and was tempted to buy. These past couple of weeks I’ve actually been able to go without bingeing and purging. The past one and a half years prior to this I hadn’t gone a week without bingeing and purging, so for me, two weeks without this is actually a positive change from the usual frequency of my ED behaviours.
It makes me wonder though, when will I ever be okay about going shopping for food and groceries myself? When the food I usually binge on is there, visible for me to see and available for me to purchase, I will get tempted to purchase it and the money that I used to buy the food will end up down the drain- quite literally. Currently I’m 18 years old and still living at home with my parents so my mum does the grocery shopping each week. But when I eventually move out of home, I’m going to have to do the food shopping myself. Which means I’m going to have to learn to buy food that enables me to eat a healthy and balanced diet and not just food that enables me to binge- then throw it back up again.