I arrived back home a couple of days ago. The actual holiday was okay, the food and my ED behaviours side of it not.

Because we stayed in a hotel it meant we couldn’t cook our own food and therefore ate out every meal of every day for the two weeks we were on holiday. This was triggering for two reasons. One, because the food cooked when eating out is typically greasier than your every day home cooked meal and two, I tend to eat more when I eat out which of course makes me feel bloated. Both of these factors led me to purge more than usual. Before the holiday I was down to purging about a couple of times a week, during this holiday it was almost every day, sometimes purging twice a day.

It happens that currently there are no working scales in my house at the moment. The digital scales, which are the more accurate ones, are out of battery. Instead of using your typical cylindrical AA household batteries they need a special type of batteries which we don’t currently have at home. The second pair of scales, the mechanical ones, aren’t working at all. The way my father cleans the bathroom is by flooding the whole bathroom with water so these mechanical scales have rusted from being flooded with water and refuses to budge from zero.

This means that since coming back from holiday I don’t know how much I’ve gained (or lost…but I doubt it). I’m convined that I must’ve gained a lot of weight and my body image is now even worse.

I’ve suggested to my mum that we purchase a new scale. And she has said that we will. Maybe it is better to be without a scale and to remain ignorant about that number. But I can’t resist, I can’t stand not knowing how much I weigh, that all elusive number on the scale. For some reason, at my workplace there is a scale in the kitchens. Which means by Monday I will have a number of some sort that I can compare my self worth with :/ The last time I stepped on those scales at work I almost cried :/

I don’t even understand it myself, why I and so many other people out there place their whole self worth on a stupid number…

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