Self harm: To keep track or not?

For those who self harm, do you find it helpful to keep track of the how many days/weeks/months or even years that you are self harm free?

I’m unsure as to whether it’s helpful or harmful for myself.

It can give you a sense of achievement, to know that you’ve been able to go x amount of days without engaging in self harm. You may feel proud of yourself, that you’ve beaten your previous record and have now been x months self harm free.

But I also find it triggering. Even though I do want recovery, it scares me to think that it means I kick self harm for good. When it gets close to beating my personal record I get a bit freaked out. I think, ‘there’s no way I’m going to be able to remain self harm free anyway- might as well just relapse and get it over and done with now.’

The last time when I was getting close to making it three months I relapsed- the day before I would have made it to three months cut free. I think three months must be the longest I’ve gone in years. I’ve gone two months without cutting a few times already but three months? The last time I went three months must have been when I was 13 and I managed to stop for a few months after my mum found out about my cutting for the first time.

I was tempted to give in and cut today, two days before I will be three months self harm free. I was having a crappy day. I was in a bad mood, I had stomach cramps which were my own fault due to my laxative use, I felt exhausted and ill as a result of laxatives, I felt bloated and fat, not least because my parents bought takeaway food for lunch and I did eat some of it, just one of those days where I feel fat, useless and just sick of it all.

Part of me did want to cut even though I didn’t even have a strong urge. It was just kinda a case of, ‘I feel crap, might as well cut seeing as I haven’t done it in so long (well for me three months is long) and I am going to relapse sooner or later, might as well make it sooner.’

But never fear, I managed to push past the part of me that still wanted to self harm, so I still remain two days short of being three months cut free. Let’s just hope that I hold out for two days longer, or just maybe, even longer than that?

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