I spent the last day of 2009 working for eight hours. And ended up crying at work, in the toilets without anyone knowing of course.
I hate New Year’s Eve, because I reflect on the year I’ve had and what has happened and every NYE I just think back to all the failings I’ve had in the past year and all the sad events that have happened. And if I’ve had a good year then I look to the new year with trepidation and I anticipate that the new year will be shit, because things couldn’t possibly continue to go well. Not for me.
This year is one of the few years I’ve had that things with friends have been great. At Uni I have a close group of friends that I click with and am included in and I even have friends outside of this close group who I get along with pretty well. This has been the highlight of my year. However, this one good thing I have, even that is going to be taken away from me. Which leads to the first failure I’ve had this year: failing two units in Uni in first semester.
Failing those two units means this year I’ve only successfully completed four units out of the ten that we are meant to complete in first year pharmacy. So I have to stay back in first year while my friends move on to second year and leave me behind.
This year I’ve also failed by taking an OD of 12 paracetamol…which I found out will not kill you, it won’t do anything much…although I have had people tell me about liver damage. This year I have also used pills and alcohol as a way to self harm.
I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been although admittedly it’s still just under the normal BMI range. The ED part of me hates being this size so I can’t help but think of my current weight as a failure…
I’m also starting the new year without any help again. Last year I had a psychiatrist and was just starting with a clinical psychologist for the first time. A year later I’m without support. Again. Seeing as I haven’t seen my psych in about four months and I do not want to go back to my psychiatrist ever again.
But, one area that I’ve managed to be somewhat successful at is reducing my cutting. This year I haven’t self harmed by cutting as much as the last year. So far I’m two and a half months cut free and my previous record is three months which I achieved previously this year.
Right now I’m at home and it’s less than three hours ’til 12:00am…a lot of others are going out, celebrating and partying…and I’m just stuck at home wallowing in self pity…fun…