Let’s face it, the reason I’m doing better, the reason my mood has been better, I’ve been self harming less, the ED behaviours haven’t been as bad and I’ve been less inclined to self destruct has not been because I’ve learnt to cope better and that my parents have spent how many dollars on psychologist and psychiatrist appointments. It’s simply that this year, life has been better for me. Compared to last year where a lot of shit happened, all in one year. The TEE (final school) exams which were very stressful, three of our school mates dying in a car crash, my grandfather passing away, the Year 12 Retreat where I was upset at not receiving an affirmation letter from my parents, me finding out that my father was having an affair with another woman, dealing with a friend of mine experiencing depression and mental health problems which stirred up a lot of mixed emotions of worry, anxiety and jealousy, seeing someone about my mental health problems for the first time…on top of still dealing with depression, self harm and the beginning of my ED behaviours…all of that I went through in 2008. A lot of drama went down last year.
This year there has been less drama. Yes, life itself is one big drama so this year brought its share of happenings too (which I will post about in my New Year blog post where I review the year that’s passed). But overall definetely smoother than last year.
But if I’m honest with myself, I think if things go downhill again, which I’m anticipating it will, I will be right back to square one. Right back to being depressed, self harming, restricting, purging everyday and ODing. I don’t want to go back to that, but that’s how I cope. And I don’t know any other way. After all that money spent on therapy I don’t feel like I’ve learnt anything much at all. On my bad days I’ve still gone back to self harming and using unhealthy ways of coping.
The only way to ensure that I’m not cutting, or purging as much, or restricting as much or that my moods aren’t horrible is if things continue to go smoothly for me. And we all know that life has its ups and downs so if it’s a down period, it’s not going to be good news for me and my mental health…