Summer

Most people love it. They love the hot weather, the summer clothing, going to the beach, the sunshine, ice cream and cold drinks and other summer food. People associate winter with coldness and gloominess. People often feel happier and healthier in the summer. Yeah. Not me.

There are some characteristics of winter that I definetely don’t miss. Winter colds and the flu. The rain that drenches me when I am walking to the bus stop. The chill of the cold winter air. Amongst other things. But overall I still prefer winter over summer.

One factor is simply: I am a self harmer. Many self harmers are with me in disliking summer. Why? The hot weather means that we are not able to hide our self harm as easily as we did with warm clothing in the winter.

This can bring a positive in that people may use this as an incentive to try to stop self harming. They want to be able to wear those short sleeved shirts, the short pants, the swim wear. But for those of us who are going to self harm anyway, whether it’s 4 degrees or 40 degrees outside, summer time can be difficult.

I don’t cut on my arms and haven’t for about five years now so for me wearing long sleeves or not wearing long sleeves isn’t a problem. For thos who do though, I can imagine that it would look pretty suspicious wearing long sleeves shirts out in 40 degree weather. Not to mention how uncomfortable the heat must get.

Self harming on my thighs still brings its fair amount of issues though. It can still be difficult to hide from others.

I feel so superficial saying this but I get jealous when I see people freely wearing shorts or skirts in summer and I want to be able to do that too. This summer I’ve mostly been wearing long jeans out. It’s also frustrating to go shopping, especially when shopping for something nice for a special occasion. Last weekend I went shopping with my mum for a dress to wear to the family portrait we are taking (which brings up a whole other issue relating to body image, ED etc. But anyway). And the scars on my thigh is just always an issue that I have to consider, will what I wear be long enough to cover my scars or is it too short? And it’s not an issue that I want to be obvious to my mum when I am shopping with her.

I tried on my shorts recently just to see how bad it would be. And yah, it’s bad. No fresh wounds at least (still over 2 months cut free!) but the scars are still damn obvious. I tried on my shorts and these shorts actually used to be able to cover all of my scars a couple of years ago. Not anymore…
Still, could be worse. I’m sure there are other people who do have it worse.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t give a damn and wore these shorts outside. But no doubt people would stare, talk about me, judge me, think it disgusting, call me an attention seeker or that stereotype that we all love, ’emo.’

If only society became more understanding and were not so quick to judge. But don’t worry, I won’t hold my breath. Till then I will just stick with wearing my jeans all summer. I may get sweaty legs but hey, at least I don’t have to bother with shaving right?

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