I thought that if I really wanted to, I could stop cutting and stop self harming. It’s just that in the past five years I have been self harming, I never really wanted to stop and never found a good enough reason to try to quit.
These past two weeks there have been times when I wanted to cut again. I wanted to resist the urge. I’ve gone about one and a half months without cutting now and kept trying to remind myself of this fact. Even though I wanted to hurt myself to cope again, I didn’t want to self harm. I picked up my razor, wanted to use it but at the same time didn’t. And even though I didn’t use it at the end, I couldn’t quite get through without hurting myself in some way.
I thought it would be easy to just resist cutting. I mean, I didn’t actually end up cutting. Unless I have a strong urge to cut, I think that I can to some extent, stop myself from cutting.
Self harming however, well, that’s not so easy to give up. And I didn’t even give much thought to the fact that giving up self harm altogether is hard as I was focusing on only one way of self harming, the one that I usually use- cutting.
When I haven’t cut I still needed a release of some sort, I’ve still had that impulse to hurt myself and that’s when I’ve ended up punching myself, punching a wall, hitting myself instead these past couple of days. And it’s hard to give up because it’s easy, as long as I have myself or a strong hard wall there, I can harm myself and release the anger and frustration. I don’t need to go get something to cut with because I’m right there. And it doesn’t leave an obvious and visible mark or scar, unlike cutting does. The other options going through my head were binge/purge, drink (can’t, work tomorrow) or take pills (again, can’t, work tomorrow).
I know hitting myself, punching the wall is still self harm and is still an unhealhy way of coping. But I still consider it a ‘step down’ from cutting and is better than the some of the other options I had in mind.
I wonder though, will I ever be able to cope without hurting myself at all?
I’ve gone one and a half months ‘cut free’ but self harm free…well…