Tempted to go back

So lately I have been doing better in regards to my mental health issues. I’m not 100% better of course, I don’t think it’s possible to be able to recover just like that after so long of dealing with this. But the past couple of months I have been doing better. I’ve been self harming less and the last time I cut was on October 11. This time last year it was more like at least once a week. I’ve also been purging less. These past weeks it’s been about a couple of times a week whereas in the past in the worse weeks it couldve been almost everyday. Generally I’ve also been happier than say, last year or the beginning of this year.

Even though there are obviously perks to doing better and feeling happier, part of me misses being in the depths of my mental health issues. Because even though having mental health issues is not pleasant, it is at least easier. Actually having goals in life and wanting to be somebody and wanting to recover to be someone not held back by a mental illness- that takes effort. And I am someone who tends to want to take the easy way out. It was easier to just use depression, self harm and an ED as reasons not to try and reasons to just give up.

Another thing is that when I am struggling at least I have support. I had the school counsellor, then a psychiatrist then a clinical psychologist. Last year i also had a couple of friends who knew a bit about things. Now I have no one. Nobody. I’ve even stopped going on the Cutting and Self Mutilation Recovery Boards. So if I need support, I feel like I truly do have no one.

It gets so tempting to just give up, give in and go back…

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