Of course others matter more,

I should know that by now.

Both my younger brother and I have the flu. We’ve both had high temperatures, sore throats, headaches, a sore body, all those really fun symptoms of the flu. Apparently my cousin may have swine flu and upon hearing that from my aunty, my father starts getting worked up about how my brother may have swine flu, how he needs to get checked out, how even though he doesn’t have a temperature anymore it could come back and Tamiflu is in short supply so he needs to get to a doctor if he may require this drug etc etc.

It would be nice if my father reserved some concern for both of his children who both have symptoms of the flu rather than just one. Especially seeing as my brother had been to the doctor a few days ago when he was showing these symptoms and he’s already been told by the doctor that no, he does not have swine flu. I’m the one that has not been to a doctor yet my brother is the one he’s concerned over. Typical. Not that I especially want to visit a doctor, but it would be nice to know that there’s some concern reserved for me too.

Before this happened, today I was also thinking about feeling like this in high school. That somehow there is always someone who deserves more concern then me even though I have the same symptoms. That somehow I just don’t matter as much as others.

When a friend doesn’t eat at school, it’s all concern for her about how she doesn’t eat and she’s so skinny. But when I don’t eat? Besides the first few times when I get asked ‘Aren’t you eating?,’ people don’t notice that I’m not having lunch. And these days at Uni, friends make a joke of it. ‘Did you bring your lunch today?’ *laugh.* ‘Don’t you get hungry?’ Well of course I get ****ing hungry, when it’s 10-12 hours between the time I leave for Uni and the time I get home from Uni and I don’t eat anything for the whole day I’m at Uni. But not concern, who would there be concern, when I’m hardly thin and my size is hardly a cause for concern.

Oh, and then even though I’ve been cutting for five years and another friend seems to have been cutting for less than one year, she’s the one that gets all the help, bloody inpatient for what she told me as ‘SHing a lot more.’

Situations like these, it just confirms what I’ve always known, that I don’t matter, that people don’t care about me as much as they do about others, that I’m not worth as much as others, that I don’t deserve as much as others, that any issue I may have will never be as serious as other people’s.

This is such a big trigger for me.

As attention seeking as this may be, part of me wants to have swine flu to prove to my father that I am just as unwell as my brother and I deserve just as much concern.
As attention seeking as this may be, I want to get so skinny that people take me seriously when I don’t eat.
As attention seeking as this may be, I want to cut myself up so much that I’m given as much help as my friend who’s been cutting for less time than me.

Even though I know that I should be grateful I don’t have swine flu, I’m not severely anorexic  and that I’m not cut up so much that I look like I’ve been used as a human chopping board, it’s hard when i do have these symptoms, although to a lesser extent, but still it feels like no one cares.

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