Yesterday marked my two months of being self harm free 😀 The difference is that this time is that I’m actually trying. This time I actually want to recover from self harm which is what makes all the difference.
Five years now I’ve used this as a way of coping. I started cutting in the winter of 2004 and my last cut was in the winter of 2009. That’s all through high school pretty much. The five years of high school I got through there was not one year where I didn’t use this as a way of coping. It’d be amazing for me if after five years I was able to give this up for good. Then it would be like it coincides with a new beginning away from the awful days of high school. Recovering from self harm used to scare me. It used to scare me too much to even attempt to try and stop. But it doesn’t scare me so much anymore. And it hasn’t stopped me from trying this time.
There have been quite a few times when I’ve just wanted to give in to the thoughts and urges of harming myself but I’ve managed to not give in so far…hopefully I can keep on resisting.
Today also marks one year since things got really bad and I felt awful and was suicidal. This time last year, I stayed up till 4am crying, with feelings of hopelessness and despair. Writing a four page ‘suicide note’ which was pretty much just me pouring out all my unhappiness out on paper. Where I unsuccessfully and half heartedly tried to hang myself and I was naive enough back then to think that taking 6 paracetamol tablets at one time would harm me.
Thankfully, one year later on the same date, I’m at a better place than I was a year before. Not 100% but at least not so bad that I’m going to try and kill myself.