It seems that being at Uni, I end up not eating as much. At home, I’m always around food, always bored and always using food as a distraction so I’m always getting something to eat. But at Uni, because I’m with my friends and I’m busy studying or busy in a lecture, I find it easier not to eat and I guess I take advantage of that and just not eat.
I know I shouldn’t do this but today and yesterday, I had breakfast then went about 10-12 hours before eating my next meal which would be dinner. Then after dinner, gave in to the temptation of eating snacks and sweets and ended up purging. What’s worse is that last night my 12 year old brother saw the vomit and was going to tell my mother. I ended up crying last night because of this, because I was angry at myself for letting my brother know I had vomitted, angry at him for wanting to tell my mum and hating myself for doing this, for getting myself into this situation in the first place.
Watching my friend eat lunch today while I ate nothing, I felt a mix of feelings. Seeing her consume a tuna sandwhich, 6 dumplings, a banana, mandarin and a chocolate bar, I’m ashamed to say that some of the thoughts I was having were ‘How can you eat that much?’ Another feeling I’m ashamed of having was satisfaction, of knowing that ‘Ha, I’m able to go without food while you’re eating all that.’ On the other hand, I was jealous of her. That she could eat that and still stay slim while I was eating nothing and am not skinny at all. That she could eat like that and not feel totally guilty and not have the urge to throw it all up, like I would have.
Maybe it’s to do with not eating for hours at a time but I just felt so weak and tired. My friend commented that me and another friend were being really quiet, as usually I’m not that quiet. I just did not have the energy to talk and do anything. I know that food IS fuel for the body which probably explains why I was tired.