Just venting again

My Uni results are as follows: one high distinction, one distinction, one credit and two fails.

I did the human bio supplementary exam- and found it just as hard as the first one. I found out from a friend that human bio is not a pre-requisite for one unit like I originally thought- it’s a pre-requisite for two units. So if I fail this exam, I am unable to continue on with two of my units next semester.

Pharm chem is even worse, I don’t understand any of it. I thought I’d have to repeat the whole unit next year because I failed that badly, but I actually received a supp exam. Which is both good and bad. Good because it means I get a second chance at passing, bad because it means I have to study this unit all over again, especially a unit that I never understood in the first place.

It’s just really frustrating because it feels like I’m getting dumber every year. I received an ‘A’ grade last year for chemistry. Then this year I failed the exam and ended up with an overall mark of 55%.

But it’s also incredibly frustrating when people don’t understand. I shouldn’t be failing in the first place.

Like my psychologist saying that I did well in passing the other three units, even if I failed two of them. No, you don’t understand, I NEVER used to fail ANYTHING. It’s only in Year 12 last year that I started getting poorer scores and failing some tests. But still, I never failed an EXAM. It reminded me of last year, with the school counsellor. Even though I did worse than I used to, she still said ‘well done’ on getting the scores that I had. While another friend who was also seeing the school counsellor for depression, when she goes from being ranked first of the class to being ranked like forth in the class, she doesn’t even have to sit the exams. I just feel really fed up with not being taken seriously.

And my grandparents and aunty telling me the pharmacy is a hard course, I should keep trying because I’m hardworking etc etc. And it’s like, no, I’m freakin struggling, I just want to give up pharmacy, I’m just not smart enough.

And to think my Year 10 maths teacher asked me, ‘Why don’t you do medicine?’

HA, what a freakin JOKE.

Oh, and like it’s not hard enough trying to study already, I had to go and eat and purge twice, the night before the exam. And when I was trying to study in the library one day, I went and bought food to eat and purged in the Uni toilets instead. Like I could afford to waste that study time on eating and purging instead.

A couple of my friends sent me their timetables so I could try and plan it according to theirs if I wanted, so that we could be in the same class. Which I did- but if I fail both human bio and pharm chem, it means I can only do two units next semester out of the five that we’re meant to do.

Work asked me to come in to work for three days next week- that’s 24 hours altogether- but I said I couldn’t because I need to study for this exam. So I could very well lose my job too. Actually, I wouldn’t really mind. It’s just being rejected and having someone say, ‘We don’t need you anymore,’ that’s the part that sucks.

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