*PT* What now?

I don’t know what I’m going to do about Uni.

I did a bit of searching on my Uni website. And a mental health issue such as depression is included in their broad definition of ‘Disabilities’ that the Uni can try to help you with by providing advice or assistance. It states on their website ‘Common disabilities and medical conditions seen at the University are’ with a list, one of the points being, ‘Mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.’ Which means that I would have to make an appointment with a Disability counsellor and provide appropriate documentation ie. a letter from my psychologist or psychiatrist. I’m not sure how it will help though. They say that they can make ‘adjustments’ for you. I don’t know what ‘adjustments’ will help though :/ For someone who’s deaf for example, they have a sign language interpreter in the lecture translating. But what do they do for someone with mental health problems I wonder?

I was looking through the Uni booklet and I realised that Pharmacy isn’t available for study part time. So I don’t know what to do, it seems like I have to either study full time, the full five units 27 contact hours in a week or I think I’d be able to defer. But I don’t want to do that because I don’t know what I’d do in my time instead. At least with part time study it would give me more time so that I might stress a bit less, enough to actually focus and pass some units instead of crying and freaking out and getting anxious before the exam. Like I did yesterday…

I’m too scared to talk to my parents about this. It means admitting how badly I actually did on my exam (which they’ll eventually find out anyway :/), talking to them about my depression (not fun) and telling them what GK suggested about deferring or doing Uni part time. So I’ll just put it off…reminds me of last year when I put off telling my parents I was seeing the school counsellor and that she recommended I see a GP. That turned out well, when the school counsellor ended up ringing my Mum about it.

Plus, my parents were part of the reason I was upset, hurt and crying yesterday. I was thinking a bit too much and somehow all the hurt I felt from them just came pouring out.

I’m getting anxious about getting my exam results back, whether I get a supplementary exam or not, what I’m going to do next semester, If I do pass, or if I do fail…

It’s all such a mess right now.

I’m in a trap. AGAIN. If I do get a supplementary exam and pass continue on with the full study load I’m scared of what the stress will do to me and how I’ll cope. The pressure of Year 12 last year is part of what led me to get close to wanting to end it/being halfway to ending it last year. And this year again, the pressure of Uni and exams is partly what led me to take some pills with alcohol (which I really do not recommend). But then if I do fail and quit out of pharmacy, or defer, or do it part time I’m terrified of losing the friends that I have made when having friends are what gets me through and are the one good thing in my life. Friends are what got me through last year too. The years when I haven’t had many friends or been left out have been so bad. It frustrates and upsets me so much because in high school, last year and this year, I wasn’t someone who had a lot of good friends. I know that because I see others get invited to the parties and gatherings of my friends but I’m not invited. I had a few close friends and that’s about it. This year I have both close friends and good friends. And I’m about to lose all that because I failed while they’re going to move onto the next year.

I’m now afraid of the next time I see my psychiatrist. On Friday when I saw my psychologist I ended up telling her about taking a few paracetamol with alcohol. I really was not intending to but she specifically asked if I took any pills like paracetamol…and I couldn’t lie when asked so directly…so…
Oh gosh, I am so going to be in deep sh!t with my psychaitrist considering how he was about ODing last time…except this time I didn’t actually OD…but did have some alcohol with it.
I know I shouldn’t have…but somehow things got a bit too much.

My last exam is tomorrow, a prac exam for Human Bio. On Wednesday I have a free day. But on Thursday and Friday I have work from 8am-4pm. I need a break 😦 Pharmacy is too full on for me. But there’s nothing else that interests me, that I wouldn’t mind doing. And I didn’t almost kill myself over Year 12 and work that hard in Year 12 and go through all that stress all for nothing. I did all that with the goal in mind: TO GET INTO PHARMACY. So can’t quit now, as tempting as it is.

I have a surprise party to attend this Friday for NT which I’m a bit anxious about. Just a bit unsure about a few people who will be there…which is ironic because I was the one that chose who to invite on behalf of NT. I did enjoy myself two weeks ago with her and two other friends though when I went over to her house to have a small gathering in celebration of her 18th. So hopefully this will be good too…although still feeling anxiety over a couple who *I* invited. Ha… Although that gives me a bit of anxiety too, that others are annoyed that I invited the wrong people. Oh well, they can deal with it, I tried my best to invite the people who I thought NT would want there, while at the same time trying not to offend anyone. I have to go, it’s NT, one of my close friends from high school. Someone who posted ‘ILY!!(:’ on my Facebook wall recently just when I was having a really bad night and having those thoughts again. So I can’t not go. It’s alright, I’m sure I will enjoy myself and have a good time once aI’m there, it’s just beforehand that I start getting nervous and thinking about what could go wrong.

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