People caring scares me

I realised that I haven’t written about this on my blog yet.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in Australia we get 12 subsidised psychologist visits in a year and 18 in exceptional circumstances.

When I went to see my psychologist GK two weeks ago, she told me she had spoken to GM, the head psychologist who runs the place that I go to about lowering the cost for me when I run out of sessions for the year. Because right now without Medicare subsidisation it would cost $165 per one hour session.

Which makes me think…’why would you do this for me?’

It scares the crap out of me because it means that she’s doing more than what she’s obliged to do as part of her job description. Which means that maybe she actually…cares. But even writing it on here, I’m hesitant because I don’t want to be kidding myself that people care when they actually don’t.

As much as I want people to care, it scares me when they actually do. Because then I start expecting more out of them and I’m scared that I will get attached to them. Being dependant on someone is really not a good thing. If someone cares it hurts so much more if they decide to stop caring. Which I am scared of.

The thought that my psychologist may actually want to help and may actually care makes me just want to back out and run before she ends up upsetting me or giving up on me. But at the same time it makes me want to let her in if I know that she cares.

I don’t know…I’m so confused.

Something similar happened when I was in Year 8. I was going through a really hard time and was crying everyday. My mum went to talk to the Head of Year and the Head of Year told one of my teachers that I was having some difficulties.

This teacher then started showing me that she cared. She asked me how my day was going and she asked me to rate how my day was. She said to me that she had heard I wasn’t feeling 100% and that I could talk to her if I wanted to.

As much as I wanted to talk to her it’s really hard for me to ask someone for help and open up. I needed her to care but at the same time I wasn’t very responsive to her attempts at trying to be nice to me and care. I kept up that I was fine, like I do and she stopped caring. I saw this teacher caring and talking to a few students when they were upset and so wished that I could talk to her and that I was the one she was comforting and talking to. But of course that never happened, me being me and me being cool towards her when she did try to show she cared. So then I tried and still do try to convince myself that I don’t need her and don’t like her anyway to try and lessen the hurt of knowing that she did care but stopped. Although I imagined what it would be like if I could talk to her and she listened and cared and wished that it would happen.

Gosh, although this happened years ago and doesn’t really hurt anymore it’s still hard for me to admit this and write ot down.

At the time it did hurt and when I remember that, I just don’t want to go through the same thing again, of becoming attached and then getting hurt. I don’t want that to happen with my psychologist. Because I seem to get attached to adults easily who start to show me they care or start to show me attention. Which is not a good thing.

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