Exams seem to always make things a lot worse.
I’m pretty sure I failed both the chemistry and human biology exam. Which is extremely bad because it means;
1. I’ll have to repeat the unit again. A whole semester’s worth of work all over again.
2. I’ll have to make new friends all over again. I like the friends I have now and I like that I do feel like I have more friends than I did in high school. But they’re all going to progress to the next unit up while I’m stuck in the same unit.
3. I’ll have to deal with the humiliation and embarassment of people knowing that I failed. My pharmacy friends, well, they know I don’t do that well anyway so I’ll be re-enforcing what they think. But then everyone else, people from high school and primary school who thought I was ‘smart’, well, they’ll find out I’m obviously not…’
4. My parents will be disappointed.
5. I have to deal with my own disappointment in myself now, of knowing that I’m a failure
6. I work in a prison pharmacy as a Pharmacy Assistant, they’re going to have to know/find out that I failed, what does that say about my competency?
On top of everything and just feeling awful in general, I did tell myself that if I failed I was going to just give up on life. I wish. But no, I guess I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that there is no easy way out, I’ll just have to suck it up and face up to it and repeat or change courses. *Sigh*
Maybe I should just give up on doing pharmacy. Reasons why I should:
1. I’m not smart enough to. Obviously.
2. As my psychiatrist pointed out to me, ‘You’re doing pharmacy, you can’t be overdosing.’
3. I misuse lax. Again, as someone who is studying to become a pharmacist, probably shouldn’t be doing that.
4. In wanting to prescribe me Zoloft, my psychiatrist said that if I were to take it, my parents would have to keep it and give me my dosage each day because I’m not ‘trusted.’ Although it makes me angry at him and upset that this is what my life has come to, where I’m not even trusted with my own medications, I probably have to admit that he does have a point. Which makes a massive FAIL on my part. If I’m not even trusted with my own medication, how the HELL am I to be trusted with others’ medications if I’m a pharmacist?
Reasons why I should do pharmacy:
1. It’s the only occupation that I wouldn’t mind doing, I don’t know what else I would want to do. I think that something like commerce or economics or business would bore me so so much.