Last night I was feeling pretty bad, I had been feeling pretty low for the whole week actually. Was tempted to SH in a way that I know I really shouldn’t, especially if my psychiatrist or psychologist found out, well, nothing good would happen and my psychiatrist would be even more harsh than he was last time. My psychologist has said that if I’m feeling this bad I’m meant to write everything down and call her…but when there’s just all these thoughts going on in my head I don’t know what to write down and it was the middle of the night on a Sunday so I couldn’t call her. Plus, she only works on Thursday and Friday and if I called the head psychologist would have only got back to me Monday, she’s ask me whether I needed to talk to GK then she’s have to go ask GK to call me back then GK would call me back. Didn’t really want to go through that whole process and I didn’t want to wait when I’m feeling crap now, not tomorrow.
I called Kids Help Line (free 24hr phone counselling for under 25 year olds in Australia. First time I had called, although I had used their web counselling services before. I rang up quite literally in the middle of the night. Glad it’s open 24 hours. The first time I called, I actually hung up before I could get through to a counsellor. Then 15 minutes later I got up the courage to call again. This time I did get through to a counsellor. Chatted to him for about 15 minutes. I don’t know if it helped or not…did a bit I guess to just be able to talk to someone last night when I was feeling pretty crap.
Everyone seems to think that trying medication would be a good idea or at least something worth a go, my psychiatrist, my online friends, the KHL counsellor, the school counsellor last year, the doctor…everyonebut my parents.
And everyone loves giving the ‘You’d have no hesitation whatsoever if you were taking medication for a physical health problem so why not have the same attitude for mental health problems?’ And ‘You shouldn’t feel guilty, mental health problems are just as real as physical health problems.’ Which I know it’s true but it’s just hard to believe when I feel like it is my fault and when I feel like my parents think that having mental health problems aren’t as real as having physical ones.
But I guess it’s a good thing, I didn’t even SH all this week, besides that Tuesday when I cam home from the psychiatrist appointment. I’ve just been crying all this week and last night actually Which I suppose is at least a healthier release than SHing.
Then this morning I just rode on the train, with no where to actually go. Just gave myself a chance to run for a while and to be alone and to think. Because running is not forever.
I feel a bit better today, after spending time with my Uni friends today and all. Also that I got 94% on a pharmaceutics test, which is the best mark I have gotten in a long long time on a test that’s not so easy that everyone gets 100%. The average was 82.5%. So okay, it wasn’t a very difficult test. But it still makes me feel a bit better.