I’m really not feeling great after seeing my psychiatrist today 😦
Well my psychologist had previously rang up my psychiatrist to tell him a bit about what had been going on with me still and as a consequence he knows that I ODed on paracetamol.
And because of this, woah he’s coming down hard on me now. Or in his words, “I’ve been a bit stern with you today…”
He asked me whether what I’ve been doing with my psych and whether it’s been helping. I said that it kinda has. And he replied, “If you ODed on Panadol it doesn’t sound like you’re improving.”
My answer of ‘I don’t know’ is also a ‘cop out’ according to him. Well honestly, I don’t know how to answer your questions and I don’t want to talk to you
Afterwards he said that I’m shy and secretive because I don’t tell anyone besides my psych but only a week later. Well gosh, who am I supposed to tell? He also said that I make everyone who tries to help me concerned. That makes me feel so guilty, like I shouldn’t tell anyone anything so nobody loses sleep worrying over me. Yeah right, like people worry that much about me anyway.
I got asked by him whether I think ODing is a good coping method. Well no, obviously not but since when have I used healthy coping methods anyway? He said that panadol is not a harmless substance to OD on. I know, I am a pharmacy student after all.
I hate how he’s using the fact that I’m doing pharmacy against me. Regarding the OD, he says “If you’re going to be a pharmacist you can’t be doing that.” Yeah okay, makes sense, but makes me feel even more of a failure as a pharmacy student. Although I don’t get why me being a pharmacy student, according to him, equates being immune to ODing?
And he again suggested trying an SSRI and he said “If you don’t believe they can work then what the hell would you be studying pharmacy for?” Ummm it’s not that I don’t think they can work. It’s just that there are things to consider when deciding whether to go on medication or not and whether the benefits outweigh the risks. And I’m not sure if I need it or not because my moods vary, there are days when I’m fine and okay or even happy but then there are days when I’m feeling pretty low and that is when I tend to harm myself.
When asked whether I would OD again, I honestly said, “I don’t know.”
He wants to prescribe Zoloft 50mg but he needs to talk to my parents and get permission from them because I’m under 18. Six more months, great. Oh, and if I did have the medication, my parents would have to keep it and distribute it to me each day until it can be seen that I can be ‘trusted.’ Obviously he thinks I’m still at risk of ODing
He wants my parents to call him regarding whether I go on medication or not. Pretty sure we went through this exact same thing last year. Pretty sure my Mum is still as against it as she was last year.
My father picked me up. The half hour car ride with him back home. Gee that was *fun.* He wanted to know EVERYTHING that my psychiatrist had said. Well what if I don’t want to tell you everything? What if I don’t even remember everything he said? The last thing I wanted to do was reveal to my parents that I had ODed earlier this year. He was getting angry and going on about how he has the right to know, he’s paying for the sessions and takes me there and all…argh. If you want to know that much, maybe you should’ve come to my appointment yourself.
The stressful psychiatrist appointment, my father getting angry at me, it was all too much. And so when I went home I cried and self harmed.
I can’t deal with all this and the guilt 😦