…has been up and down.
The beginning of the week I wasn’t feeling too great and ended up SHing three days in a row. Then I was doing better and didn’t SH for three days. And then today I’m back to feeling low.
I have a chemistry mid semester test on Wednesday. A friend invited me over to bake cookies with her but I decided not to so that I could stay home to study. Yet I sit here trying to study with no idea where to start because I’m so clueless and so behind that I end up doing absolutely nothing.
I don’t know how I look to my new friends from Uni. I’m afraid that I may seem lazy and absolutely clueless to them. Because I hardly know anything and I don’t get great results. I joke about being unmotivated and not knowing stuff to my friends but I really am struggling with this. In high school at least, people might have said I was ‘smart.’ JP, who went to my high school and does pharmacy with me, said ‘Ask her, she’s smart.’ And he was referring to me. HA HA what a joke, I might have received good-ish marks in high school but I sure am not now.
I’m feeling full right now which makes me feel worse about my body.
And I think I’m getting sick and I feel nauseous 😦
People have started noticing my knuckles again which isn’t good. My aunty and a family friend commented on it today Not that people would connect it to having an ED. But still.
I am yet to complete the ‘Thought Diary’ sheets that my psych gave me to fill. I feel so blah to fill them out, just like I’ve been too blah to go on the C&SM Recovery Board to answer posts and too blah to really want to go out. CBT seems hard. I know it’s good to try and identify and try to change negative thought processes. But a part of me thinks it is all pointless. It all seems strange, to go ‘Wait, what I’m doing is overgeneralisation or mental filtering or catastrophising or polarised thinking. I need to challenge this thought and try to reason it out.’ I’ll just have to try fill them out I guess. Even though I have no idea what to write.
Yesterday I went to work for training for the first time at H__ Prison Pharmacy (I’m a pharmacy assistant there now). I got taught how to pack medications in the Webster Packs. I was nervous but it actually went okay. I just hope it continues to be… My aunty who works there (who introduced me) said that a couple of the other employees are bitches. So. Hmm They were talking about the accounts for the month. Us taxpayers pay for the medication of prisoners. We pay for their Zyprexa®, Seroquel®, citalopram. Which quite a few prisoners were prescribed. It says that a lot of people who are put in prison have mental illnesses. However, general patients have to pay $32.90 for medications under PBS and prisoners get them for free because taxpayers pay for them? Huh. Well can’t complain, not like I pay tax anyway. And plus, Medicare contributes $2070 to my therapy sessions in a year, I’ve calculated. So, again, can’t complain.