*PT?* This week…

…has been up and down.

The beginning of the week I wasn’t feeling too great and ended up SHing three days in a row. Then I was doing better and didn’t SH for three days. And then today I’m back to feeling low.

I have a chemistry mid semester test on Wednesday. A friend invited me over to bake cookies with her but I decided not to so that I could stay home to study. Yet I sit here trying to study with no idea where to start because I’m so clueless and so behind that I end up doing absolutely nothing.

I don’t know how I look to my new friends from Uni. I’m afraid that I may seem lazy and absolutely clueless to them. Because I hardly know anything and I don’t get great results. I joke about being unmotivated and not knowing stuff to my friends but I really am struggling with this. In high school at least, people might have said I was ‘smart.’ JP, who went to my high school and does pharmacy with me, said ‘Ask her, she’s smart.’ And he was referring to me. HA HA what a joke, I might have received good-ish marks in high school but I sure am not now.

I’m feeling full right now which makes me feel worse about my body.

And I think I’m getting sick and I feel nauseous 😦

People have started noticing my knuckles again which isn’t good. My aunty and a family friend commented on it today :/ Not that people would connect it to having an ED. But still.

I am yet to complete the ‘Thought Diary’ sheets that my psych gave me to fill. I feel so blah to fill them out, just like I’ve been too blah to go on the C&SM Recovery Board to answer posts and too blah to really want to go out. CBT seems hard. I know it’s good to try and identify and try to change negative thought processes. But a part of me thinks it is all pointless. It all seems strange, to go ‘Wait, what I’m doing is overgeneralisation or mental filtering or catastrophising or polarised thinking. I need to challenge this thought and try to reason it out.’ I’ll just have to try fill them out I guess. Even though I have no idea what to write.

Yesterday I went to work for training for the first time at H__ Prison Pharmacy (I’m a pharmacy assistant there now). I got taught how to pack medications in the Webster Packs. I was nervous but it actually went okay. I just hope it continues to be… My aunty who works there (who introduced me) said that a couple of the other employees are bitches. So. Hmm :/ They were talking about the accounts for the month. Us taxpayers pay for the medication of prisoners. We pay for their Zyprexa®, Seroquel®, citalopram. Which quite a few prisoners were prescribed. It says that a lot of people who are put in prison have mental illnesses. However, general patients have to pay $32.90 for medications under PBS and prisoners get them for free because taxpayers pay for them? Huh. Well can’t complain, not like I pay tax anyway. And plus, Medicare contributes $2070 to my therapy sessions in a year, I’ve calculated. So, again, can’t complain.

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