This sounds terrible, but seeing others happy and having a good time makes me feel even worse and more alone when I’m already not feeling great. Not that I want others to be miserable. But it just makes me wonder what I’m missing out on. Blah. I need go to Uni again. As much as the academic side of things stress me out, I need to be around friends again. Being isolated at home is really not doing anything for me. Seeing friends at Uni allows me no guilt at going out when I should be studying and also means that I don’t have anxiety over actually going out with people. The only time I’ve been out during the past two weeks is when I went out for a couple of hours to eat lunch with a friend while she was working (in a restaurant).
But at least one good thing is that I don’t think my pharmacy friends would have all gone out together without inviting me as they’ve been at home trying to do this stupid assignment too. I hope not anyway.
It’s such a trap though. If I’m on break, I’m at home feeling alone, isolated and not able to be motivated to concentrate and do my work. If I’m at Uni, I enjoy spending time with my friends but I’m stressed over study and tests and terrified of feeling stupid and being a failure.
Yesterday I remembered/realised why I took the 6g of paracetamol. When GK asked me on Friday, I had kinda forgotten and it was hard for me to explain why. But I can describe it now, on here with words.
I was alone and isolated. I was feeling stressed about Uni and I cannot take failure. I was terrified of the future and didn’t want to have to go on because I can’t see a future for myself, let alone a good one. I looked back into my past and only saw times of struggle and didn’t see things improving. I hated myself for eating too much and for bingeing and purging and can’t stand the thought of being gaining weight. And that night my father was again attempting to control my life with such a stupid pathetic thing. I could hear my father talking about me to my mum. As quiet as he thinks he’s talking, I CAN still hear. From the sounds of things my father thinks that I am not strong and independant enough even though I’m almost 18 and it triggered thoughts of, maybe he’s right, I can’t get through life because I’m almost an adult and still weak and pathetic. So why try?
BC from the recovery boards put in words exactly why I took that amount – feeling torn and not wanting to be here yet not 100% committed to dying either. Which is why it was still an OD but not a large OD, not enought to do a great amount of damage.
And just one last thing, yay I have 10 followers! Thanks for reading my blog, all ❤