I don’t even know what to say about it. I…argh. I told her about taking the 6g of paracetamol last Wednesday. She said that she’s concerned, not only coz of this but because I keep everything inside and I don’t seem to have a support network and so it goes out via the cutting, the purging and the taking of pills. Oh dear. She told me what taking too much paracetamol can do ie. damage your liver until all the organs shut down and you die slowly and painfully. Nothing I didn’t know already
She asked me if I was trying to end my life with taking it. Not…really. I didn’t think that it would actually kill me. I don’t know what I was intending. I don’t want to deal with things but I don’t want to die either and I don’t think my intention was to die.
I feel like I should try and be able to tell her stuff but it’s hard. I feel pathetic when I can’t deal with stuff that others can. And even telling her about taking the paracetamol makes me feel like an attention seeker.
Between this appointment and the appointment in two weeks time, she is going to call me to find out how I’m doing/if I’m alright.
Also next time I am feeling really bad or unsafe, she wants me to write everything down and give it to her also call her. That’s hard, calling her, or calling anyone for that matter. It’s so hard for me to ask for help and support because part of me says that I’ll be fine, it’s not a big deal, you’re too scared to actually do anything serious anyways.
This is doing my head in, I want to be able to verbaloise things, I want to be able to deal with life, I want to be able to go without harming myself like this but I don’t know HOW. It’s just so frustrating for me.
I guess it’s a good thing that she’s calling me and I can call her and all if I need. But argh I feel like such a screw up 😦