My Mum bought be some last year when she found out about my self harm (again, after 4 years) and saw my scars. Since then I hadn’t even opened, hadn’t even touched it. When I went into her bathroom I noticed that she had it there and had taken in back from me. HA. I never wanted it in the first place. I mean, I know she’s trying to help by buying me the Bio-Oil. But it annoys me that she just assumes that I want to get rid of my scars. I don’t. Some people who SH would love to get rid of their scars. Right now I’m not one of them.

I know that it can be hard for a non self harmer to understand this. I mean, why would someone want to have scars all over a part of their body, right? But for me they’re proof of what I’ve been through and they’re a part of me and has made me into who I am today. There are times when I do momentarilly want them to be gone, when I want to be able to wear something like shorts. I don’t want them to permanantly fade though. I don’t want to let my scars go…just like I don’t feel like I’m ready to let SH go…

I notice how my Mum takes the Bio-Oil back without saying anything about it. No ‘Why don’t you use it?’ or ‘don’t you want your scars to fade?’ In fact, she hasn’t mentioned the self harm at all since finding out about it again. Which I’m thankful for because I do not want to talk to her about it at all. But it’s just so typical of her. When she first found out when I had first started SHing, all the way back in Year 8 (when I was 13 years old) she told me that she had a friend who used to self harm too. I’m curious as to what happened with her friend. And how she reacted. probably ignored it and hoped it would just pass, same as she did with me >.<

Which makes me wonder how things would’ve turned out if Mum didn’t just ignore the problem hoping it would just fix itself. If she actually had gotten me help four years ago. I have a friend who last year was really stressed about exams and when there was one day where she couldn’t stop crying her Mum took her to the GP already. In Year 8 I was crying pretty much everyday… To be fair, Mum did go and talk to the Head of Year 8 when I was crying everyday, although at that point I hadn’t started cutting quite yet. The Head of Year then made me an appointment with the school counsellor, weeks later. I purposely didn’t go and then the next week the school counsellor came to find me. That did not make me happy. I talked to him for a while but nothing good came out of it and it wasn’t helpful at all. He left the next year though (yay). My first experience with a mental health professional (if you can count school counsellors).

Then end of Year 8 comes, Mum sees a few scars but I convince her that I’d stopped already.

Four years pass without me coming into contact with any other mental health professionals. Until I decided to get help for myself and go speak to the (different) school counsellor. And in one year not only had I gone to the school counsellor, I had also been to the GP, a psychiatrist and a psychologist, all for my mental health issues.

The sad thing is that I’m so good at hiding it (besides typing everything on my blog) that if I hadn’t of gotten help for myself, it would’ve been my fifth year of dealing with self harm without help although only a year for my ED. What’s sadder is that self harm isn’t on the list of ‘diagnosable mental disorder’ that allows us to get subsidised sessions under Medicare. So if I didn’t have an ED I might not even be eligible for subsidised sessions. Which is stupid because I need help, with or without the ED. Self harm is still a problem that needs sorting out. But I think if you get a referal from a psychiatrist then it’s okay but if a GP refers you, it has to be a ‘diagnosable mental disorder.’

There must be SO MANY people who need help but aren’t getting the help that they need because they aren’t being recognised. And it’s sad.

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