I still find it so hard to answer the questions G_ asks me. It’s just so hard for me to be able to express my thoughts and how I’m feeling into actual words and tell someone. It’s so not something I’m used to doing.
G_ talked about some of the physical effects of purging today (what fun). I already knew some of it. I still think that, “Oh, I haven’t been purging that long, it’s not that bad, therefore this stuff isn’t going to happen to me.”
To be honest the part that does get to me is that purging apparently only gets rid of 30-40% of the calories consumed. She told me about this ‘vomit study’ that was done (sounds great hey? Great name they have for it) where they used actual bulimics and measured the amount of calories in the food that the people ate and then once they threw it up, they measured the caloric content of their vomit. I was actually trying not to laugh when she told me. Coz seriously, it sounds pretty bloody ridiculous. So do they tell the people in the study, okay, now go eat, now go throw it up and I’m going to go measure how many calories is in your vomit. Hmm. Okay. But yeah, 30-40% apparently. I don’t believe it. I’m thinking that she got it wrong. Or making it lower to make me think that there’s no point purging.
She said that the three things that she’s going to talk about in sessions are mindfulness, emotion regulation and something else. I’ve heard of mindfulness before so I remember that.
It’s only the third session, already I feel like I just want to give up. Kinda feel like, what’s the point, what am I going to get out of this? Too hard to stop, too hard to change so why bother? But I just go anyways.
At Uni today I hung out with MS,LS and H before our chem tute and I sat with them. Which was cool, actually make friends with people. I really like the social side of Uni, surprisingly. I’ve met some really nice people doing pharmacy.
I was at NT’s house before. I pretty much sat there, listened to the conversation without contributing anything. I just had nothing to add. Being there, not saying anything, just remeinded me of how much I hate being the quiet one who sits there with nothing to say. It’s probably because the people who were there, besides NT herself, aren’t my close friends. They’re friends, but not close.
At Uni though, I’m not the quietest person there. I’m not the loudest there, but I do talk and with a group of people I’m not the silent one with nothing to say. And currently I do have someone who I’m closest to and unlike high school, I don’t feel like everyone else has more friends than I do.