Second appointment with my psychologist, G__, today. We talked about if I actually wanted to be in counselling, like, any doubts I had about it. Also what I wanted to actually get out of counselling at the end of it. It’s kinda hard to answer questions like that because I just don’t know. I guess it would be to be able to deal with things and cope with life better…and stop SHing and the ED behaviours…but it all just seems so hard. It’s like a faraway goal that is just unattainable right now. I know that recovery is not an overnight thing. G__ said something along those lines today too. That after using SH as a way of cope and dealing with the same stuff for four years, it’s not something that can be stopped in a week. It’s just hard to believe that I can stop it at all.
I told her about the stuff with my parents and what my Dad’s…lack of loyalty. It was kinda good to talk to someone about it I guess. I told my psychiatrist…but with him it’s just awkward.
My psych thinks that the most concerning thing is the throwing up…because it’s been ongoing with it happening 3-5 times a week for the past 8 months now. Compared to some who are bulimic…it’s not that bad Some have had it for years. Some are purging several times a DAY. Mine’s nothing compared to those people.
Next session she’s going to go through some of the physical effects of bulimia and what it can do. Oh, how fun. I doubt it will actually make me want to stop though. I mean, I have read some stuff on the internet about the effects of bulimia. But I read it and then think, ‘Nah, that won’t happen to me. My ED behaviours aren’t that bad.’ And then there’s also a part of me that doesn’t care enough about myself. It is awful though, the damage that can happen through having an ED.
I haven’t told her about my l__ (don’t want to give out ideas) use. I don’t take that many though so it’s not really worth mentioning anyhow.
Anyways, besides having my psych appointment, I went to C__’s house today. We played a bit of Guitar Hero and watched The House Bunny on DVD. I had one Bicardi Breezer that she bought. Which I can’t buy, seeing as I’m not 18 yet.
My aunty who works in a pharmacy place (not a community pharmacy…but I think they dispense medicines for the people in gaol?) said that she can introduce me and help me get a job there on the holidays. Have to hand in my resume. My resume is so bad. And also I have to get referees. My brother might have said something to my previous boss about what I said about her. Which may have offended her so I don’t want to ask her to be a referee. So I guess I’ll ask teachers? Gah, I’m not close to any of my teachers previous high school teachers though.