Having doubts…

I’m having doubts about the psychologist appointment this Friday.

I can’t go. I know that maybe I do need help. But at the same time I feel like I’m wasting money, wasting other people’s time, I dont deserve help and I don’t actually have any problems at all. Maybe I am just being stupid.

Both the psychiatrist and my previous school counsellor thinks I have an eating disorder. How can I though? I have a huge stomach, flabby arms and fat legs. I’m sure there are plenty of other people who are so much worse than me who have had an ED for years. I’ve had this for 7 months. It’s not bad enough to get help for. I’m not stick thin and I don’t look sick.

I don’t know if I’m ready to stop the self harm either. I still feel like I need it. Especially this year if I struggle in Uni. I don’t want my whole thigh to be covered in scars. Yet I don’t want to give it up either. I need it to cope. I need it to punish myself. It’s how I’ve been dealing for so long. How do you un-learn the coping mechanism used for more than 4 years?

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