It’s been over 6 weeks and I’m still in hospital. My 22nd birthday came and went, the second birthday stuck in a psychiatric ward. The Form 6 of the Mental Health Act which allows for a patient to be held involuntarily for up to 28 days expired, and I was put on a Form 9. I thought 28 days was long, but a Form 9 allows someone to be kept for up to 6 months. Not that I’m going to be here that long, but it’s scary how much power psychiatrists hold.
I was told a few weeks ago by the psych registrar that I’d need to get to 38kg before discharge. When I next saw the consultant psychiatrist however, he said he doesn’t know why I was told 38kg, and that I have to be at a BMI of 16 (40kg) or close before going home. I asked both the registrar and the consultant whether I have to maintain that weight for a certain period of time before being discharged- both told me I wouldn’t.
Come Monday I hit 40.1kg. Okay, so it may have taken a bit of water loading, wearing shorts under my pants and having a deodorant and mobile phone in my pocket. However, both doctors have gone on leave and I’m stuck with two completely different doctors until my doctors come back. Apparently it’s not documented by my doctors that I don’t have to maintain, and the only documentation that IS on my notes is by the dietitian, who’s written I DO have to maintain for a week.
It all just went downhill from there. I was fed up that they keep changing the target and angry that they didn’t keep their word about being discharged once I hit that 40kg. It seemed as though even if I comply, I still don’t get to go home, so may as well not comply. I started refusing to have the Ensure Plus.
Tuesday night was an absolute low point. As I’d previously self harmed and had just come back from leave, two nurses came in to my bedroom because they wanted to search it. I was told to get off my bed and stand by the door, which I refused to do. Security was called and it ended up being three of them big, burly men restraining me, holding me down on the floor with me screaming and yelling at them to “Get the fuck off me.” When they let me go, I lost it- I smashed my mug on the floor and started chucking stuff around my room. That’s when the security guards again entered, carried me to the seclusion room and restrained me. I was held down with my pants pulled down, and injected with midazolam. After that they let go of me, and I was locked in a room with nothing but bedding and a mattress on the floor.
Yesterday I absconded from the ward. I left at about 10:30am. I ended up being brought back by my parents as the police had contacted them. I wasn’t going to pick up the phone when my mum called, but after 6 missed calls I felt too guilty.
The weigh ins of the past two days I got found out about having stuff in my pocket. Unfortunately it means my weight has dropped- it was 39.2kg this morning.
I’ve repeatedly told everyone that I don’t want their help and I don’t want to recover from anorexia or stop self harming. I don’t see why they insist on keeping me here when I’ve made it clear I intend to lose weight all over again when I get home and I won’t attend outpatient appointments. A nurse has warned me they could put me on a Community Treatment Order. I replied that I don’t care, I still won’t come to appointments, and besides, I don’t think they would anyway.
So it looks like I’m here for yet another weekend. Well, at least I still have stuff to self harm with that the nurses haven’t found for now.