It seems like I’m back on the ‘getting help’ bandwagon again. Huh. So much for my resolve to be rid of all services.
Received a call from the GP office this morning. 8:15am. Yep, not like I was asleep or anything… Was told that Dr L wants to see me and so I agreed to come in this morning. It seems as though she’s been bombarded with all these letters about me; from F Hospital telling her that I overdosed, from B Hospital telling her I’d recently been discharged, from the psychologist at A St telling her I’ve declined to see her, and another one from A St advising her how my medications should be managed.
Was asked by Dr L what I want to do if I don’t want to see anyone from A St. Could only shrug and shed some tears in response. She said she can’t comprehend being discharged from hospital following an overdose, slipping back into life where everything is the same, and deciding to accept no help whatsoever. And so she’s making me go see a psychologist again. Boo. Was told to either choose to go see the one at A St or be referred to a private one again, and come back with my decision in a week. I’m also about to become best buds with my local pharmacist, as apparently A St has advised her that I’m only to have weekly prescriptions. Yay, I can’t wait to become known to the pharmacy as the mental who can’t be trusted with more than a week’s worth of medication. FML. I’d complain about how humiliating it is, but then I’d probably get some smart arse commenting that I only have myself to blame for getting into this situation.
This afternoon I then received a call from K, the psychologist at A St. She told me she didn’t feel right leaving me be without any support, especially given my most recent hospital admission. I admitted I was upset and angry when I cancelled the appointment with her and “I guess” I could come in and see how things go. Not to mention Dr L is making me see someone anyway. Sigh. May as well go to the psychologist that’s free…
Both times I’ve spoken to K on the phone she’s sounded lovely. And that’s partly what scares me. I know she’s only temporary until I, the regular psychologist, comes back from holidays. I’m afraid of getting to like her only to have her leave, like so many others before her. Knowing it’s unavoidable doesn’t make it hurt any less. I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about deep and emotional matters and it’s just so painful when that one person I do have disappears. It leaves me feeling all the more lost and alone.
It seems as though today is mental health professional “Let’s contact WFH day” and in the spirit of it all, D also emailed me back. It basically said that he appreciates what I’m saying and is still happy to attend an appointment with me should I decide to see a psychologist after all. Feeling bad about the “bugger off and screw services” email I sent him, I apologised, explained I was upset and irate when I wrote it, and informed him I’m going to see K after all, though I declined his offer to attend with me. I learnt that people are more likely and willing to respond to a civil email. Who could’ve known…! Ten minutes after I sent it off, I received a reply back telling me not to worry, he didn’t take it personally as he thought I was probably just upset when I wrote it, and wished me all the best. Well that’s that then with clinical psychologist #4. Surely if it doesn’t work out with #5 and #6, I’m allowed to quit then…?