Lesson learnt

I could feel depression enveloping me last week in its blackness and bleakness. What was frustrating was I had no idea why.  If I knew, at least I could understand and perhaps try to fix it. As it was though, nothing particular had happened. I just felt low, tired and unmotivated. I hypothesized maybe it’s because Uni is looming closer and closer. Why is it I’m feeling better this week though when the commencement of Uni is even closer still?

I had an appointment with D on Wednesday. He asked me how my mood has been and whether I had self harmed. I reported I felt okay and had not self harmed this week, though I had last week when I wasn’t feeling so great. He said that when one felt low it’s usually something that has happened to cause it. That’s the thing though. There was nothing I could point my finger to and say, “Aha, that’s the reason why.”

It only came to me today whilst I was daydreaming on the bus. It was so simple I couldn’t believe I hadn’t realised this sooner. Or maybe I can believe it, after all, I’m still surprised and a bit doubtful that 50mg can make that much of a difference.

My GP was away for the whole of last week. She told me on Monday when I saw her that she had gone to Vietnam. Unfortunately last week was when I needed to see her to get my prescription for a month’s worth of Pristiq. I resorted to taking 150mg instead of my usual 200mg for a whole week, even so, by the time my appointment rolled around I only had three 100mg tablets left.

It’s made me realise that the Pristiq perhaps is working. I wasn’t sure before. I learnt, yet again, messing with your meds is not a good idea. Though I wouldn’t have if I’d had enough in the first place. I also learnt that when you’re directed to swallow the tablets whole and not split or chew them, there’s probably a really good reason why. Ha, who could’ve known…

Now I’m torn as to what to say at my upcoming psychiatrist appointment. Do I say the Pristiq is to some extent working and I want to stay on it? But then, what would be the point of attending a psychiatrist appointment? May as well just keep collecting the same scripts from my GP.

 

Jobless and Lazy

I don’t work. I did, many months ago before stopping. I am however a full time student for the seven or so months of the year that uni occurs. For me, that’s plenty enough to deal with. Compared to the people I know and have talked to though, it’s slack.

One of the drawbacks of appearing to cope as well as everyone else and keeping your struggles hidden is that you’re expected to function as well as everyone else too. Most of the people I know who are studying also have a part time job. As well as that, they also find time for extracurricular activities and socialising. How do they do that?!

I met up with a high school friend for lunch yesterday. I told her that I don’t do anything much during the break and answered “Not really,” when she asked me whether I was looking forward to returning to uni. “So lazy, WFH!” she jokingly teased me.

Prior to that, my OT supervisors at fieldwork asked me whether I had a job or not. I told them yes, I work in a pharmacy when in reality I ceased there early last year. I lied, embarrassed at how lazy I must seem if I told them the truth.

I feel like I should be doing more. Everybody else is. But then thinking about the amount of study I need to do, the amount of effort I need to put in to pass my units at uni already starts to send me into panic. And that’s without a job on the side or even much of a social life. Not to mention, both semesters last year left me playing catch up as a result of my two hospital admissions. Keeping a job at the same time would not have been manageable at all. Being able to pass uni is a big enough achievement for me. When I juxtapose that with what my friends are able to achieve though, it feels like nothing at all.

Counterattacking schemas

I received a letter on Thursday from A St informing me I have an appointment with one of their psychiatrists on March 13. An appointment less than a month away? In the public system too? A-mayyyy-zing. Is this really the same service that left me on the DBT waitlist for over a year before removing my name without my knowledge? I’m not quite certain how it works though. Do I only get one appointment for a psych review and that’s it? Or do I get ongoing sessions with this psychiatrist?

You’d think it gets easier to say what you want and need to tell them after starting over so many times, but in fact I’ve become more reluctant to do so. It’s become tiresome having to retell the same story over and over again that I don’t know what to say any more.

In the meantime I’m still seeing D. Same problem. Not that I had much to say to start with. We, or rather he, has been talking about some of the schema stuff I had done when I was still seeing R in therapy. One of the schemas R and I had identified for me was subjugation. According to this sheet;

This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.

According to the Reinventing Your Life book there are three ways you can cope with your lifetrap: surrender, escape or counterattack. These three terms are fancy names for what roughly equates to a freeze, flight or fight response respectively.

I guess at times I can be a bit resistant in therapy. I will sit there in silence or fail to do what the psychologist has asked me to do during the week. D has accused suggested I am in fact counterattacking the subjugation schema by not doing what he’s asked, whether it be practice relaxation or grounding exercises, record when I’ve self harmed or read certain handouts he’s provided me. How I’ve seen it though, my silence is indifference, not wanting to be there in therapy in the first place. I don’t do relaxation and breathing exercises because I find them lame. Not doing them is my passive aggressive way of saying so. Could D be right though? Is this my way of fighting the subjugation schema? I’m not quite sure. I’ve never looked at it like that before.

Fieldwork at K Hospital

I’ve just completed my week of fieldwork at K Hospital on the rehab ward. All I can see of myself is “not good enough” and “could’ve done better”, but apparently I did okay. I obtained more than the six out of seven required for a pass. The comments my supervisor wrote were better than I could’ve hoped for:

• Excellent clinical observations & documentation skills
• Very professional behaviour. Respectful, confidentiality.
• Appropriate interaction: colleagues & patients. Great rapport building.
• Evidence of taking initiative & happy to help & follow instructions.
• Remains on task, willing for learning.

Despite my initial pride and happiness, unease and insecurity soon crept in. I don’t deserve those comments. They must be being easy on me.  It also leaves me feeling confused. Don’t they see the incompetence I see in myself? Most of all is fear. Fear that I won’t live up to all that has been said about me; once you reach the peak, the only direction you can go is down.

As for the actual fieldwork, I guess it was okay. Good to get the experience. Not sure I’m keen on geriatric rehab though. Lots of assessing and assisting with showers, and urinary and faecal incontinence. Still, I’m glad it was this rather than being placed in mental health, as some of my fellow second year OT students were.

Amongst the ordinary challenges that fieldwork poses, my background as a mental health consumer was something I had to deal with whilst there too.

It was odd having lunch with a group of OTs, one of which was the emergency department OT I recognised from the times I ended up there as a patient.

My anxiety induced leg shaking did not go unnoticed by my supervisor. “No wonder you’re so skinny, you’re always moving! Could see you moving in the (ward staff) meeting!” *Awkward smile in response.*

Ward meeting, a nurse remarking the reason a patient was lovely this morning compared to the night before was “chemicals,” she said with a laugh. Told us the patient had taken lorazepam and quetiapine. It easily could be me the nurses talk about like that, when I’m the patient.

I ended up exhausted at the close of each day. How on earth do people manage full time jobs?! I’m relieved I have the next two weeks to relax before the madness of uni starts.

Not on the DBT wait list

Is it really that much to ask that the hospital find out the eligibility criteria of a service before referring me? I spoke to D yesterday and apparently YRS is a mental health service for young people who are homeless. Which, living with my parents,  I am not. So it’s only now that a referral has been sent to A St, the adult community mental health service. Cool, why didn’t we find this out earlier so it could’ve been sent back in November instead?

In case you’re thinking the name ‘A St’ sounds familiar, yes it’s the same place that conducts the DBT program. The lady from YRS rang me back today. She reported she’d contacted A St to enquire about my status on the DBT wait list. Apparently I’m not even on the wait list any more. Umm, say what?! Maybe it’s my retribution for being so cynical and unenthusiastic about DBT, telling D yesterday I thought Linehan’s book “lame and patronising.” But I…lol, I don’t even know what to say any more in response to the inevitable debacle that occurs whenever I try to access mental health services.