Considering medication again

I’m afraid I may have been wrong to go off medication. I’m afraid I may have been wrong to write off medication completely.  A couple of comments in this post echoed what was already going through my mind. Because yes, I have only tried one medication and perhaps there is one out there at the right dosage that would benefit me?

I’ve been feeling worse than I have in months. Does this coincide with my cessation of the Lexapro? Maybe yes, maybe no. I’ve been considering whether it would be worth starting medication again. Obviously medication doesn’t fix everything. I’m still in doubt as to whether antidepressants do have an effect on depression. But perhaps I was a little more stable while on them?

But what if I’m considering going back on medication for all the wrong reasons? There is a part of me that still doubts I have depression or a mental illness at all. Being prescribed antidepressants is in a way validates and provides evidence that I do. Wanting to be medicated just to prove to myself and others that I have this illness is not a legitimate reason.

There’s also the age old, ‘I’ll be fine, I don’t need medication! I’m going to spontaneously get happy and healthy and better and all that jazz without the aid of meds, or any help at all!’ Wishful thinking, avoidance or optimisim..?

I’m not keen on experiencing those dreaded adverse effects upon starting medication. Then again, a week’s worth of side effects is worth months of greater stability, assuming medication works. Especially when I’m due to recommence studies at University next year, I really cannot afford to fail again. These past couple of weeks have seen me laying in bed with the feelings of hopelessness pressing down on me days I’ve not been forced to get up for work, being unable to concentrate on more than a few of pages of novels before giving up and retreating to my bed or to the computer, crying, and generally just feeling emotionally flat. Then again, it could just be a reaction to feeling let down and screwed over by ex-psychologist #2 and psychiatrist…

One thing I’m certain is an effect of the Lexapro though is the ability, or lack of, to cry. Crying almost everyday while off the medication isn’t really favourable. But neither is being emotionless and numb while on it. Crying for me can be a cathartic release and being on the Lexapro hinders that ability.

So would I discuss this with Dr T? I’m not quite sure. There’s my damned pride getting in the way, the ‘Oh dammit, you as the ‘professional’ was right after all’. Furthermore, I don’t want it to be seen that my wanting to go back on medication is some desperate attempt at halting her discharge of me as a patient.

If I don’t restart medication with Dr T, I’m considering going to a GP and asking for medication that way. I’m generalizing I know, but after speaking with three of them, I’ve come to the conclusion that most psychiatrists are twats. GPs, well, not a big fan of them either, and generally they’re not too clued up about mental illnesses. Finding one with experience in treating mental illness can pose a challenge. Still, they’re more likely to just give me the medication and send me off on my merry way while they go fix up the patients presenting with illnesses for which they were trained in.

So say I’m prescribed the medication again. Then what? I know what I’m like. There’s a chance I won’t take it due to being afraid of having to take long term medication again. There’s the temptation to stockpile medications in case things get too much, because I know not taking the medication won’t prompt those unpleasant withdrawal effects in going cold turkey if I wasn’t even taking it in the first place.  

Ack, why must decisions regarding treatment be so difficult? Though, I’m all too aware it is ME who makes things difficult for myself. If only I was completely compliant with treatment; took all medication prescribed, asked for help when I’ve needed it, opened up, talked, then I wouldn’t be dealing with this right now. Unfortunately, that’s not how I operate.