Spring

Somehow, the month of August just doesn’t seem to agree with me. Okay, to be honest, crises have become such that they aren’t all that significant anymore, given the frequency. But August 2008 marked the first and only time I’d tried to make a lame atttempt at hanging myself. The first time I’d ever overdosed. Back when I was naive enough, at the age of 16, to think that taking five paracetamol tablets would be enough to kill me. Experience has now taught me otherwise. August 2009. Nothing much in terms of serious self harm or suicide attempts. But it marks the last ever time I saw my previous psychologist, the beginning of eight months without any help whatsoever. August 2010. The first ever time I overdosed badly enough to require a hospital admission and a drip in my arm for 24 hours.

Today marks the beginning of Spring. 1st of September 2010. How did I spend today?

I volunteered with the headspace Youth Refernce Group, spreading messages of positivity for Body Image Awareness Week. We walked around town handing out cards with messages such as this;

with the reverse reading ‘headspace [location] is celebrating Body Image Awareness Week and brings you these positive statements.’

This morning, I was hesitant about going. Curling up in bed, wallowing in my own misery for yet another day seemed a much more appealing idea. But no. I went. And I’m glad I did.

I’m not the most confident person there is. Walking up to strangers, saying hi, handing them a card, telling them I’m from headspace, here to promote Body Image Awareness Week, is not the easiest task for me, someone who has social anxiety. But I did it. My confidence grew as I handed out more cards. I felt proud of myself for doing something worthwhile at the end of it. While there were people who grumpily muttered, ‘Not interested,’ at me and walked off, I tried not to take it personally, and shrugged it off.

One moment of awkwardness though? When I glanced my psychologist sitting on a bench outside whilst talking on the phone. Not cool. She practices in two places. One where I see her, the other in the town where we were handing out the cards. Just tried to walk off and look the other way before she saw me. With any luck, she wouldn’t have.

I now seem to be on my way to becoming a proper Youth Reference Group member for my local headspace. I’ve obtained the Application Form, been invited to attend the next meeting, and it seems as soon as I get the form in, I’m good to go. For those who live in Australia, you may know that headspace is the national youth mental health initiative. So now that I’m most likely to become a headspace YRG, as well as still being a Youth Ambassador for Reach Out, I will be volunteering for two well established youth mental health organisations. Very cool.

Today has been a positive in a string of awful days one after the other. The first day of September. The first day of Spring 2010. May this be a good omen. May this day be the start of a brighter spring, an end to the cold, dark winter that I have beared.

Edit: Just as I was filling in the application form and writing in my phone number, I realised that I gave my psychiatrist’s secretary the wrong phone number. Shit. Yes, I am that ditzy that I gave her the first few digits of my previous phone number, and gave her the correct last few digits of my current phone number. No wonder I haven’t heard news of an appointment with my psychiatrist yet. Though, they should have the correct phone number on record? I should pick up that dreaded phone and notify them just in case, but…bah.  Who on earth forgets their own phone number? Oh yeah, me. *Face palm.*